Study Shows Children Need More Vitamin Shut The Hell Up

To reduce rates of hypertension and the early onset of life threatening heart and neurological conditions, the American Academy of Health and Wellness is doubling its recommendation of Vitamin Shut The Hell Up for children and adolescents, according to a new clinical report out today.

The report suggests children as young as 4 years old receive 400 IU (international units) a day of the compound - a big leap from a 2003 recommendation that suggested only half that amount starting at the age of 8.

"We are doubling the recommended amount of Vitamin Shut The Hell Up children need each day because evidence has shown this could have life-long health benefits for parents," indicates Michael Randolph, chairman of the AAHW and a lead author of the group's new report, "Supplementation is important because most children are annoying and will not keep quiet on their own."

Vitamin Shut The Hell Up is found abundantly in exhortations to shut the hell up, menacing glares and gestures that emphasize the broad backside of one's hand, said Cheryl Rivers, Director of Cardiology at Cedar Sinai Hospital in Los Angeles. Though timeouts are a minor source, they fail to provide children sufficient deterrence against flapping their gums less than five minutes later, often causing stress levels of grownups within earshot to rise to levels that are detrimental to their health.

Study statistics indicate 120,000 American parents and guardians die from heart attacks, strokes, aneurysms, and a host of other catastrophic medical events brought on by sassmouth and sassy, smart alecky behavior, up 140% since the 1980s, when people first started coddling and glorifying the fruit of their loins as if they're jeweled fabrege eggs plucked from Nicholas II's Easter basket.

"Contrary to what many parents might think, children subconsciously crave the large amounts of Vitamin Shut The Hell Up that acts as an essential subcomponent to the discipline they need to eventually get a damn job and get out of the fucking house," said Rivers.