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House Passes $500 Billion Funding Bill for War on Women
The U.S. House of Representatives approved a bill yesterday to allocate $500 billion to fund the war on women. The measure, which will also reduce the nation's corporate tax to 10%, narrowly passed 238-237 along the party line, with votes from female GOP Representatives such as Michele Bachmann proving decisive.
With the additional funding at their disposal, operational commanders plan to assume a more offensive posture in the war on women, as was demonstrated last night by a Tomahawk missile attack on a San Diego movie theater screening the film "Safe Haven" that left 30 dead.
"What do you call 30 dead chicks?" Navy Admiral Chester Thurman asked rhetorically before answering: "A good start."
Added Thurman: "They know they've had this coming. They say you should just be yourself, but that's never good enough. So you try being someone else, and they laugh at you. Flash forward twenty years and you're married to a fat pig who spends twice your paycheck on cheap jewelry and shampoo by the caseload off the QVC."
Though the Joint Chiefs of Staff are being tight-lipped regarding specific details of any upcoming missions against women, it has been leaked that it would probably be a good idea for guys not to accompany their gals to any Tori Amos concerts for some time.
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