Something Like 8 Billion Africans Killed This Week

Over 8 billion people died in Africa over the last seven days, officials estimate.

Speculations indicate that the majority of the dead were killed by gunfire, machetes or rocks as violence continues to spread across the country.

In the failed state of Somalia alone, 500 million people were slaughtered in a 24-hour period by an unruly pack of teenagers, lifting the death toll there to over 4 billion for the year.

Another 300 million or so perished in Niger after the war-torn region was beset by its third civil war this month, a conflict possibly triggered by a dispute over whether to change their name to Africa America.

The higher than average African death toll has not gone unnoticed by Westerners, many of whom have expressed their disapproval of the ongoing strife through social media.

"This really sux & should totally be stopped," read one scathing condemnation on Twitter.

In other African news, the nation of Bongo announced today that they have struck oil, though they have yet to discover food.

Authorities guess that over 200 billion Bongonians starve to death every year.