President Bush Stands Behind Guantanamo Bay's "Angel of Freedom"

In the face of an ever intensifying storm of criticism for its sponsorship of torture, the Bush administration is boldly opposing an international condemnation of the inhumane experiments conducted by physician Dr. Joeseph Mandelbay on prisoners being held at the Defense Department's military prison at Guantanamo Bay.

A former formulations scientist in the chemical and cosmetic industries, Mandelbay, dubbed the "Angel of Freedom" by President Bush in his defense of the man and his clandestine projects, has been branded a war criminal by dozens of international human rights organizations after the testimonies of several former Guantanamo detainees revealed he had used as many as twenty prisoners like so many guinea pigs in a myriad of diabolical research projects designed to test the effectivity and toxicity of a variety of drugs, chemicals and other consumer products.

According to what has been corroborated of the prisoners' accounts, they were frequently made to wear profuse amounts of women's makeup, hair products and novelty brands of underwear, were administered large quantities of female hormones, and in some cases were given artificial breasts in order to test new brands of saline pouches for the plastic surgery industry.

In addition, Mandelbay's subjects were often forced to fight in pugilistic competitions under the guise of evaluating boxing gloves for sporting goods manufacturers, leading many of his detractors to accuse him of being nothing more than a demented psychotic using the pretenses of the War on Terror to justify organizing transgender "foxy boxing" matches to gratify his own twisted fetishes.

"The prisoners were threatened with solitary confinement to make them fight - either in the boxing ring or sometimes a large pit filled with jello or vegetable oil. It didn't seem like something that he should be able to do, but we figured, you know, whatever," remarked a former Guantanamo prison guard.

Despite the formidable amount of evidence showing Dr. Mandelbay has severely violated several provisions of the Geneva Conventions' laws pertaining to the treatment of prisoners of war, President Bush continues to stand steadfastly behind him.

"Make no mistake, everything Dr. Mandelbay has done over there has been done for the purpose of protecting Americans from terror," proclaimed the President, "And though he might not follow the letter of every missighted (sic) law, there is no doubt that he has only one motivating interest - to keep our families safe."