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Santa Stands By Policy of Snubbing Poor Children
In a letter from the North Pole published in newspapers around the globe, Santa Claus has issued a promise to the wealthy children of the world that they can once again expect bigger and better Christmas presents than their poorer counterparts this year. The proclamation preserves a long standing tradition of snubbing needy children in favor of lavishing more extravagant gifts on youngsters growing up in more affluent households by Santa, whose letter attempts to rationalize this seemingly unseemly policy.
“What it boils down to is a standard of living question,” pens Santa, “Less well-off children are accustomed to a certain standard of living that doesn’t measure up to what rich children are used to and have come to anticipate. Whereas a child living in an urban ghetto or some developing nation doesn’t expect to see anything more than a crusty Rubik’s Cube or some sickly stray animal in a box under their Christmas tree, shrub or rock, a child living in some semblance of civilization would feel slighted and sad by such a thing. Can you imagine the tearful insurrection that would ensue at the home of some bank vice president’s house if his kids woke up to find nothing but Chinese handcuffs and nectarines in their stockings?”
Santa’s letter also addresses issues of practicality as they pertain to households of varying socioeconomic background.
“Geographical and resource limitations also factor into the equation of which children receive what gifts. For instance, if a kid’s family is too poor to pay their electricity bill much less afford to live in a country with a reliable source of electricity in the first place, it doesn’t make a lot of sense to give him the hot new video game system, now does it? Likewise, it would be ridiculous to leave some child whose parents are on food stamps a new snowboard because after all, if you don’t have money for macaroni and cheese you don’t have the scratch for lift tickets.”
In the final portion of the letter, Santa seems to abandon all concern for grammatical convention or coherent syntax as his composition devolves into an obscenity laced tirade against the United Nations, the graduated tax scale and people who live in the southern hemisphere. Roughly discernable within this rant is an argument that giving bigger and better Christmas gifts to needy children is akin to welfare and would promote shiftlessness.
“And not to mention,” Santa writes in a terse postscript, “Its hard enough to finish my route by morning as it is. If I reversed my policies now, I’d have to start visiting the rest of Africa north of Johannesburg and I’d never make it.”
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