Democracy on the Move in Iraq: 74% Approve Commencement of Civil War

Democracy in Iraq continues to flourish as the country held yet another successful election yesterday, this time approving the official commencement of civil war between the nation’s Shiite and Sunni factions.

Iraq’s latest election, coming on the heels of December’s parliamentary vote, January’s vote to determine the color of the country’s new stop signs, and two elections in February that named the Black Bellied Sandgrouse as the country’s national bird and rejected a proposition to designate March as ‘Kurdish History Month’, was triggered by a referendum that received its requisite one hundred thousand signatures within forty-eight hours after being introduced by a group of earnest Baghdad Shiites during a week in which four Shia mosques were destroyed by Sunni bombs in the capital city.

News of the commencement of sanctioned civil war was met with ecstatic rage from all sides as 74% voted in favor with 94% of the polling locations reporting – a number that was deemed official in view of the fact that seventeen voting sites were destroyed in rocket and bomb attacks by over-anxious militants, killing hundreds.

Spoke one Shiite with a finger stained purple and a rocket propelled grenade launcher strapped to his back: “Under Saddam we were voiceless and powerless to perpetuate an unending cycle of violence with our native adversaries. How I’ve waited for this day! Now if you’ll excuse me, I wish to go blow up something full of Sunni people.”

Indeed, as tensions between the two sects have risen to boiling over since their nation’s liberation three years ago, the ratification of civil war comes as a relief to many heretofore frustrated law abiding Iraqis.

“Before killing was only for the criminals and the young with little to lose, but I have a business and a family to support. Now that democracy has finally let us take off the gloves I can kill whoever I want without fear of legal reprisal,” vented a Sunni shopkeeper, “I can’t wait until my Shiite neighbor sweeps his infidel dirt onto my sidewalk again so I can see the look on his face when I blow his head off.”

Amidst the chaos of gunfire, explosions, screaming women and smoldering piles of young children there are pockets of Iraqis who aren’t pleased with the fruit democracy has bared.

“This unfolding catastrophe proves again that Iraq is simply not suited for democracy and shows what happens when it is shoved down the throat of a country like ours,” remarked Hahim Al-Adhani, President of a Baathist student organization at Baghdad University, “I was strongly opposed to civil war and disagree with the direction in which the country is being led, however if that is how it shall be, we will wipe those who oppose us from the face of the earth so that a true democracy might be born.”