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How To Fight (And Win) With Your Spouse

• Float like a butterfly... A good defense is at least as important as a good offense when fighting with your spouse. Be slippery. If your spouse corners you on an issue, do your best to change the subject. For instance, if you're caught in the middle of having sex with another man or woman, turn the tables by accusing your spouse of being emotionally distant, distrustful, etc.

• Never miss an opportunity to tease your spouse's own lack of arguing prowess. For example, if they stammer or have trouble composing what they're attempting to convey effectively, make loud, exaggerated stuttering noises or do your best impression of a mentally handicapped person to further sabotage their emotional state and train of thought

• Listening to your spouse during an argument is dangerous as he/she might say something that undermines the integrity of your position. Time spent not making your own case should be spent devising your next salvo or repeating what you've already said at a higher volume than you did before

• Not listening to your spouse during a dispute doesn't mean you shouldn't keep an eye on them. Nothing can upset the rhythm of your argument faster than getting sucker punched or having a flower vase broken over your skull

• You shouldn't be too timid to hit below the belt, but it's best to save such knockout blows until after you've already got your spouse on the ropes. Tried and tested examples include weight issues for women and penis size for men

• Insults and childish name calling used in proper balance with a cogent dialectic against your spouse's flaws will greatly improve your chances to win any argument. Demonstrating that your spouse has been behaving like a stupid jerk with well thought out, coherent logic is crucial, but calling them one explicitly will significantly enhance the effect of your attack

• Don't overlook the obvious value of recruiting allies to aid your cause. For example, if you believe your spouse has been acting selfishly and have a relatively high level of confidence that your children agree, seek them out to corroborate your assertion

• Don't let your spouse's minor transgressions trigger small scale skirmishes - after all, Hitler didn't conquer most of Europe fighting small, sporadic battles. Instead, suppress your aggravation while taking mental note of such middling infractions until you've accumalated an arsenal formidable enough to launch a full-scale blitzkrieg the next time they so much as look at you cross-eyed

• Using convoluted, obscure logic and references that has little or nothing to do with the topic of the argument can disorient your adversary, neutralizing their offensives and leaving them vulnerable to counter-attacks

• Make liberal use of words like 'never' and 'always' in any argument with your spouse. Even if it's not true, exaggerating your spouse's tendency to do or not do something you find offensive will greatly enhance your chances of winning the fight

• Finally, beware of any overture of forgiveness made by your spouse. Such propositions are never initiated by the party currently winning the argument, and to accept such an offer is to concede victory

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