Scientists Discover Mutation Responsible For Aversion To Retarded Pop-Culture Horseshit

Over the last half century they've walked amongst us while taking different forms, these hippies, beats, punks, goths, intellectuals, and so-called tasteful types who chuff and roll their eyes at the slightest mention of some piece of retarded pop-culture horseshit. Indeed, at an estimated 25% of the American population, there's a very good chance at least one of them is a close friend or relative, and although their seemingly arrogant insistence to not mindlessly follow incredibly stupid social trends might have been a source of aggravation for you in the past, the discovery by a team of Pfizer scientists that such pre-dispositions are the product of a genetic mutation shows that such individuals are deserving less of scorn than sympathy, for they are sick.

"The mutation is located on chromosome 17 and exhibits incomplete dominance, meaning that it is expressed variably throughout the brain and from person to person, such that the higher the incidence rate of the nucleotide change, especially within the cerebral cortex, the more profound the aversion to unbelievably insipid dogshit the subject will manifest," commented Dr. Shinji Ono.

Fortunately for those affected, Pfizer has somehow already begun to develop treatments that have shown positive results in preliminary patient studies.

"I used to think I was more enlightened or whatever for hating dumb crap like American Idol, and thought that most of the girls my age were stupid bitches for spending so much time and money trying to look like Lindsay Lohan," remarked one fifteen year old girl afflicted with the disorder, "But after starting the treatment I know how sick and wrong I was. Now I love watching every show on prime time, even 'Yes, Dear', I enjoy hanging out at the mall with all my new friends, and can't wait for Scary Movie V!"

Although Pfizer remains 'cautiously optimistic' about the ultimate success of their new medications, the enthusiasm of those whose lives have already been changed for the better can hardly be tempered.

Gushed Susan Hawkins of Sarasota, New York, a normal woman with a severely affected husband and teenage daughter, "I wouldn't say they're completely cured - I still haven't been able to drag my husband to see 'The Breakup' with me yet, but I did notice the bookmark in his latest Turgenev novel hasn't budged in two weeks, and as for my seventeen year old, I had to hold back tears of joy the other day in the car when she said, 'That's hot' in reference to something other than soup or coffee."

In addition to relieving people of their congenital aversion to inane rancid gerbil vomit, financial experts are predicting that Pfizer's discovery could be a huge boon to the economy as millions of once surly quibblers of America's trash based consumer society will be converted into avid participants.

Remarked Forbes financial analyst Alex Shipman, "Certainly Pfizer's discovery will have a positive impact on our economy in the relatively short term. After all, it relies heavily on people working overly hard and accumulating large amounts of debt in order to support lifetimes of excessive, indiscriminate expenditures on the infectious toxic waste that passes for culture on this planet anymore."