United States Drops to 94th in International Power Rankings

The United States continues its precipitous decline as an international force according to both the most recent International Power Rankings (IPRs) and President’s Poll released this morning.

The US, which once spent a record 962 consecutive weeks at the top of the IPRs, dropped 8 spots to a share of 94th with Tonga, a fledgling Pacific island nation that continues to lack a flag.

Weighted by a flagging economy, two costly, seemingly unwinnable wars, and its national team’s woeful performance in last years World Cricket Championships, the once exalted United States now finds itself seeking a foothold amongst the world’s most mediocre nations, behind that of Comoros, which nobody has ever heard of, and Zimbabwe, 80% of which is on fire.

Claiming that "those qualities that have made America the greatest force of progress and prosperity in human history we still possess in ample measure" during his State of the Nation speech last week, newly elected President Barack Obama has attempted to rally the populace since coming into office, but to little avail as slow merchandise sales and other data indicates Americans are increasingly aligning themselves with other, more successful countries, such as Canada – this week’s #1, France, Brazil, Kuwait and Norway – which round out the top five. 

"Back in the 80s and 90s you’d see tons of people walking around with all kinds of American paraphernalia – hats, t-shirts, flags, those oversized foam fingers,” recounted one American, "But not anymore. Because America sucks."

Still, some Americans are remaining positive.

Reasoned one woman: "Well, if there are 194 countries in the world, that means we’re still above average. And that’s not too bad."