Shaquille O’Neal Introduces Toys for Guns Program in the Congo

In an attempt to mitigate the suffering of millions of Africans embroiled in the ongoing war in Central Africa, Phoenix Suns basketball star Shaquille O’Neal has launched a toys for guns program in the Democratic Republic of the Congo.

“All kinds of people are dying over there,” muttered O’Neal on the intractable conflict involving eight national armies and over twenty militia groups that has killed an estimated 5.4 million people in the region since 1998, “Boys and girls should be shooting hoops, not each other.”

O’Neal’s new organization, “Stuff the Violence” is committed to promoting peace by taking the rifles out of the hands of child soldiers and replacing them with toys.

“Kids everywhere need to play, and I figured if there were more toys around that whole place and less guns, there’d be a lot more playing and a lot less of that other stuff,” O’Neal reasoned.

Unfortunately, O’Neal’s logic seems to have been flawed, as the efforts of his organization have already began to make things worse.

According to sources on the ground, the soldiers are accepting the toys offered by volunteer workers but are refusing to relinquish their arms, and are in some cases using their guns to take more than one, and sometimes all of the toys volunteers have on hand.

Assistant Secretary of State for African Affairs Trent Pierce remarked bluntly on the matter: “The nicer toys, such as the sports equipment, video games and action figures will likely be sold on the black market to subsidize the purchase of new weapons and ammunition, while the lower-end toys, and the stuff for girls and little ones will likely be used for target practice.”

As a disturbing affirmation of Mr. Pierce’s predictions, several stuffed Puppy Grows and Knows Your Name Retrievers and Hannah Montana plush dolls were recently discovered raped and riddled with bullets near the Congo’s tumultuous border with Uganda.