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Zombie Jesus Stabbed Through the Face, Decapitated

A zombie killed by hikers in a remote border region of New Mexico Sunday has been revealed to be Jesus Christ of Nazareth, our Lord and Savior.

Identified by a DNA match to genetic material collected from the Shroud of Turin, the reincarnation of God was reportedly stabbed in the face before being decapitated by the hikers, per the standard protocol for dispatching the undead, they said.

"We were heading back from Zapatos Point towards Chandler Caverns, looking out for illegal migrants when this zombie comes stumbling out from around a rock and straight towards us," Bradley Zimmerman, 20, recounted. "So I stabbed it through the eye with my field knife."

Not yet dead again, the stricken zombie Jesus evidently made an attempt to appeal to his assailants.

"He'd fallen to his knees, but was still going despite my knife in his face. I remember him clasping his hands out in front of him and groaning in some strange language, but we couldn't understand him," said Zimmerman. "That's when my friend Chad chopped his head off with his machete."

When informed that the zombie they'd killed was in fact Jesus, Zimmerman seemed nonchalant.

"Well, then he should've entered the country legally," he remarked.

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