Polygamist Misses Entire Ballgame

Circleville, Utah – Owing to the incessant obstruction of his view of the television screen by many of his 84 wives and 59 children, local Mormon polygamist Benjamin Baird missed every play of the Colorado Rockies broadcast he tried to watch Monday night.

A ninth inning throwing error by Washington Nationals third baseman Vinny Castilla sealed a rare victory for the struggling Rockies - Baird learned by reading the newspaper the next day, having been deprived of experiencing the decisive gaffe firsthand by the sensory interruptions caused by the retrieval of a book from a shelf beside the TV by a wife who is eight months pregnant while another was vacuuming the floor surrounding the sofa.

“All I want after a long day of tending the orchards is to be able to come inside and watch the ballgame, but no,” lamented Baird, “Between the hundred and forty three women and children milling around the place, I can’t catch pitch one.”

As aggravating as his most recent experience missing the Rockies game was however, it pales in comparison to the anguish he went through during the winter when despite his efforts to watch every Brigham Young football game, he missed the entire Cougar season.

“Every pass, every touchdown, every field goal, blocked by one of my wives and kids,” reported Baird.

Despite his exasperation with his family, Baird humbly accepts his share of the responsibility for his televised sports related plight.

“I guess I should’ve known what I was getting into marrying so many women. After all, I’ve heard monogamous men gripe over the seemingly innate tendency of women to insinuate themselves between the couch and the television during game time.”

Baird then added: “Those men should be grateful, though. When you only have one wife coming to remind you that the bathroom sink needs unclogging or to solicit your opinion regarding drape fabric you might miss a pitch or two or maybe a groundout to second base, but when you have eighty-four arriving virtually one after another, you’re bound to miss every homerun and bench clearing brawl of the season.”