Idiot Gets Himself Killed by Train - Ruins Afternoon Commute

Some jerk got himself killed by an Amtrak train en route from Philadelphia to New York yesterday afternoon, bringing passenger train service along Amtrak's busiest route to a grinding halt and pissing everybody off, the rail operator said.

Though it remains an object of conjecture how someone manages to get hit by a deafening three hundred foot-long steel train that travels along a conspicuous, three foot-wide track, theories that the man was either suicidal or extremely drunk have become the most prevalent after it was discovered that he wasn't retarded.

"Being depressed is no excuse," claimed one commuter, promulgating the argument that no species of animal on Earth could be dumb nor drunk enough to find themselves in the same place and time as a speeding train, "Who isn't miserable? I'm miserable, but I'd never do something as inconsiderate as throwing myself in front of a god damn train full of people just trying to get home after a long, miserable day at work."

Added the man: "I mean, the morning is one thing. Everyone calls their work, tells their boss, 'Hey, would you believe it? Some asshole jumped in front of my train. Check it out on the web if you don't believe me. See you whenever.' But right before the evening rush hour? What a dick."

Nearly two hours after the fatality occurred, emergency management officials announced that one out of four railroad tracks between Philadelphia and Trenton had been cleared for reduced speed service, allowing infuriated passengers to jeer the victim's remains as transit workers hosed them from the tracks.

Amtrak has announced that all rail service in the area will return to normal tomorrow, provided another drunken clown doesn't suffer an existential crisis.