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Hey, Joe Biden! How About You Cancel My Gambling Debts?
By: Brian Whitlock

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Stop the clock! If I knew five years ago that a President would come along and wipe out everyone's student debt, I would've stayed in high school and gone to college myself!

Actually, probably not. College is for dummies. But still, I have some debt Socialist Joe can cancel. I'm in for ten large to Jimmy Knuckles, and if I don't pay him by Friday he's going to break my legs!

Seriously, why should I be penalized for being smart enough to realize that college is a waste of money? After I dropped out in 2017, I invested in myself, and the Falcons to win the Super Bowl (fucking Falcons! They were up 28-3 at halftime, the fuckers!) and now what, I'm supposed to help pay off Davey Deadbeat and Franny Freeloader's unpaid student loans with my taxes?

Not that I pay any taxes really, but still. Its fucked.

Want to know what else is fucked? The Red Sox starting rotation. Also their bullpen. I plunked down two G's on them to win the series this year, and they're currently trailing the Orioles by six for fourth in the AL East. The Orioles! But can I ask my bookie pretty-please to cancel my bet? Will the President of America pay the vig I owe because Chinese Taipei couldn't cover the spread against Curacao in the Little League World Series International Final? Noooooo!

And then, if that weren't all enough, I hear some complaining that Biden didn't go far enough. That he should cancel even more student debt. That its not fair how much universities charge kids these days. I'm sorry, but do colleges not give their prices up front? Do they kidnap your girlfriend if you don't pay the 5K you owe because Leon Edwards can't take a kick to the head? Seriously, Joe! They've got my Lizzie! I need five large!

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