February 5, 2005 [home] [contact] [links] [disclaimer] [boycott list]
How Fit Are You?
(answer key and scoring scale at bottom)
1. On average, what does your morning breakfast consist of?
A. Donuts and coffee
B. Nothing. Breakfast is for deadbeats.
C. Oatmeal and fruit
D. The carpet or perhaps the bathroom rug where I fell
2. Which of the following best describes your exercise habits?
A. I jog, cycle, walk or swim at least half an hour a day
B. My small children are disobedient and cowardly so I must chase them often
C. Sometimes I get up off the couch to empty my bowels / bladder when the need arises
D. I am too old / crippled to exercise but I can still brush my hair and teeth by myself and Iím very proud of that
3. Do you smoke? If so, describe your smoking habit.
A. Iíve never smoked anything in my life
B. I used to smoke a lot, but now Iím trapped in this machine and the nurses here suck
C. I smoke one or more cigarettes per week
D. Iíll smoke anything. Old newspapers, kitty litter, bugs, whatever
4. Where do you live?
A. In the country, surrounded by lots of fresh air
B. In the city, next to a factory
C. In my car beside a busy road
D. In the basement of a serial killerís house
5. If a neighbor happened by with a plate of cookies for some reason, would you:
A. Eat the cookies as fast as you can, insuring that you get the largest share of cookies
B. Tell your neighbor to take their fat squares and beat it
C. Eat one cookie but decline to take any more saying that they make you feel sick.
D. Take the plate of cookies and slam the door in your neighborís face, insuring you get all the cookies
6. Do you drink alcohol? If so, describe your drinking habits.
A. I never touch the stuff and think Iím so great
B. I have a drink now and then, like at parties, work, or in lieu of brushing my teeth
C. I only drink during months with the letter Ďaí in them, the early summer and the fall
D. I had a drink once, but I didnít like the taste. I prefer main-lining my booze
7. If there was an object you wanted that was clear across the room, what would you do?
A. Get up and use my own two legs to get it
B. Attempt to retrieve it using telekinesis; failing that, forget about it
C. Shout at the spouse / kids to come fetch it
D. Construct a crude retraction device out of couch string and several pretzels glued together with my own bodily fluid to attempt to snag it from a distance
8. Describe your bowel movements.
A. One or two logs a day, just like clockwork
B. 2-4 times a day like Mt. Vesuvius
C. I literally live on the toilet
D. Every four years Ė like the Olympics
9. Someone youíre positive arrived at the end of a grocery line a moment after you edges his cart in front of yours. What do you do?
A. Inform the man of your opinion and kindly ask him to allow you to go ahead
B. Shove him through the rack of tabloid magazines and gum
C. Donít say a word. Whatís the big deal? Besides, maybe the three minute delay will save you from getting hit by a bus later
D. Donít say a word. Stealthily follow the man home so you know where he lives, then come back a month later and smash all his car windows with a crowbar
10. What is the most accurate description of the sensation you feel while walking up more than two flights of stairs?
A. Slightly woozy with aching lungs, legs
B. Walk up stairs? I always run like a jackrabbit!
C. Nauseous and hallucinating Ė like Jim Morrison at Christmastime
D. Falling, with several sharp pains to the head
1. A (-1 points) 2. A (+5 points) 3. A (+3 points) 4. A (+3 points) 5. A (-1 points)
B (-1 points) B (+1 points) B (-5 points) B (-1 points) B (-3 points)
C (+3 points) C (-3 points) C (-3 points) C (-3 points) C (+1 points)
D (-3 points) D (-5 points) D (-5 points) D (-50 points) D (-3 points)
6. A (+3 points) 7. A (+1 points) 8. A (+3 points) 9. A (+1 points) 10. A (-1 points)
B (-1 points) B (-1 points) B (-3 points) B (-3 points) B (+3 points)
C (-3 points) C (-1 points) C (-5 points) C (+3 points) C (-3 points)
D (-5 points) D (-5 points) D (-5 points) D (-5 points) D (-5 points)
16 and above: Congratulations, youíre in excellent physical shape. Whoop-dee-do. Bet youíll be feeling pretty stupid when the apocalypse arrives any day now.
0-15: Youíre in average physical condition, which is probably in keeping with every other aspect of your life: just plain average.
Below 0: Everyday you ask yourself - why go to the bathroom when itís so much easier to just wet the bed? Why cook when the pizza man delivers? Why read when thereís TV? If youíre an American youíre a credit to your country. If youíre not, youíre life is meaningless anyway, so who cares?