Study: 99.9% of Americans Suffering from Obscurity

A new study indicates that, despite their very best efforts, most Americans are not at all famous.

A collaborative effort between over one hundred researchers in twenty laboratories on fifteen campuses across the country, the result of the study was calculated using the nation's total population to divide the sum of non-senile Americans all of its participants could think of who wouldn’t possibly know them in return.

“Our findings indicate that obscurity levels remain extremely high, affecting 99.9% of the population,” remarked Dr. Thomas Clifford, a Professor of Sociology at the University of Michigan.

According to most experts, a general lack of physical attractiveness, talent and intelligence amongst the vast majority of the American population is responsible for the stubborn obscurity epidemic.

"We interviewed dozens of non-famous people on camera during our studies, and it can be quite affecting knowing none of them will ever appear on anybody else's television screen again owing to their not harboring a scrap of ability at anything anybody else remotely cares about," Clifford said.

"Especially sad are the children who insist they'll someday be famous, because you hear them telling you this, and yet they’re so ugly, and so plainly stupid," Clifford added.

Despite the daunting odds against becoming well known by complete strangers such studies put into painful clarity, the indomitable pluck of many Americans drives them to persevere.

Remarked Dr. Jacob Maxwell of Stanford University: "Likely the product of an innate, genetically based impulsion, obscure Americans continue to badly sing and act their ungifted hearts out, appear for auditions of all kinds, flail around like deranged monkeys in the backgrounds of live television feeds, and even participate in the filthiest of cum drenched gang bangs with the hope that it will someday lead to them being harassed twenty-four hours a day by roving packs of paparazzi."

Sadly, regardless of how hard they struggle against their affliction, none save for a small handful will ever unburden themselves of their obscurity during their lifetimes, according to Maxwell.

"The tragic irony of the malady is that, for many, notoriety can only be achieved through death. For example by pouring fatal quantities of liquor into one's anus, or jumping naked into a bear exhibit," he said.