National






	Big Crybaby Released after Being Wrongfully Imprisoned for 20 Years - After serving two decades behind bars for rape and murder, big crybaby Rudy Upshaw was released today after new DNA evidence proved he wasn’t responsible for the fatal assault. “WAAAAAAH, I spent twenty-five years in prison for a crime I didn’t commit,” blubbered a tearful Upshaw during a press conference outside the Denver Superior Courthouse, “Boo-fucking-hoo.”... (More)



	99.9% of Americans Suffering from Obscurity - A new study indicates that, despite their best efforts, most Americans are not at all famous. A collaborative effort between over one hundred researchers in twenty laboratories on fifteen campuses across the country, the result of the study was calculated by dividing the nation’s total population by the sum of the total number of non-senile Americans all of its participants could think of who wouldn’t... (More)




	New Pfizer Study Reveals Majority of Infants Are Clinically Depressed - A new study sponsored by Pfizer reveals that most babies suffer clinical depression and anxiety, and could benefit from Zoloft, the anti-depressant medication they manufacture. Citing their fitful sleeping patterns, restlessness, frequent crying and high suicide rates, the findings of a non-independent panel of laboratories concluded that congenital infant depression syndrome (CIDS) is common far above ... (More)




	Homosexual New York City Street Gangs Infiltrate Middle America - Authorities say that homosexual street gangs have begun to proliferate across the nation, confusing and terrifying the populace of even the most bucolic middle American towns. Originating from New York City, gay gangsters swearing allegiance to Gotham rival sets the Sharks and Jets are "taking the show on the road" in large numbers, police say, leading to an influx in cute little trinkets, avant-garde fashion, and the... (More)

	Elementary Schoolers Fail Simulated School Shooting Drill Miserably - Just one week after staff members of Scales Elementary School staged a gun attack on seventy sixth graders during a weeklong trip to a local state park, the entire student body was subjected to a similar, albeit more intense, test yesterday morning, only to fail even more miserably than before, reported Assistant Principal Dan Bartch. The latest drill at Scales Elementary began when... (More)

	Man Seeking Larger Semen Load on Fourteen Prescription Pills, Verge of Death - Feeling as low as the volume of semen that used to emit from his penis during orgasm, Dennis Rutterman thought he'd been blessed when a simple web search revealed the existence of dozens of products promising a solution to his life's biggest problem, but just sixteen months later, the once healthy and wealthy Rutterman is nearly bankrupt and... (More)

	Verizon Counters Apple's iPhone with New O-Phone - Just two weeks since Apple announced the introduction of its new iPhone, a portable device that combines iPod, digital camera, internet and personal computing technology in one cellular phone, Verizon has raised the stakes in the mobile handset market by unveiling their new O-Phone, a product that not only boasts all the features of an iPhone and more, but is shaped to also double as a recreational sex device. "In addition to possessing all the applications of an iPhone, the O-Phone contains a lighter... (More)



	Donald Rumsfeld Torturing Wife at Family Home - With little to occupy his time since being forced to resign his position as Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld's constant, brooding presence in his St. Michael's, Maryland residence has been torture on his spouse of 52 years. "I love my Donald and I know he's going through a bit of an adjustment, but I've gotten used to the way things usually are around here, and he's driving me whacko," reports Joyce Rumsfeld, "He lies in bed like a lump until... (More)

	Lifelong Republican Voter Has Nerve To Request Treatment For Genetic Disorder - A woman fond of insinuating into conversation the fact that she has never voted for a single political candidate not belonging to the Republican Party in her entire life actually had the audacity to seek treatment for a genetic disorder she recently began manifesting symptoms of, her physician reported.According to Dr. Samuel Weiss, the woman, 54 year-old Pamela Schroeder of nearby Lancaster... (More)

	President Bush Loses Risk Game to Twelve Year-Old Boy, Chimpanzee - George Bush was defeated in a game of Risk by a twelve year-old boy and his pet chimpanzee during a visit to the household of a 9-11 widow in Hoboken, New Jersey this Tuesday.According to Jesse Whittaker, who's father died in the south tower of the World Trade Center on 9-11, the President... (More)


	Diebold Voting Machines Come To Life In San Diego, Attack Democrat Voters - Dozens were killed and scores more injured in north San Diego county today when the voting machines they were using in a special election to select a replacement for the 50th District seat vacated by former House representative Duke Cunningham came to life and attacked them. Reportedly, the machines, owned by Diebold Inc., exclusively targeted citizens attempting to vote for the Democratic candidate Francine Busby, choking or stabbing those who stubbornly refused... (More)

	George Bush, Dennis Hastert Visit Baskin Robbins 'Flavor Factory' - President Bush and Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert spent the morning at the Baskin Robbins "Flavor Factory" in Parsippany, New Jersey Wednesday as part of a special executive-legislative envoy to determine what makes the ice cream sold by the world's largest ice cream chain so delicious. The President's four hour sojourn to the plant was his second to a Dunkin' Brands facility since the company... (More)

	South Dakota Governor Bans Paternity Tests, Decriminalizes Rape In Cases Where Woman Was "Asking For It" - Four months after imposing a state-wide ban on abortion, South Dakota Governor Mike Rounds announced yesterday that paternity testing would no longer be permitted in the Mount Rushmore State and ... (More)

	Iraq War Veteran Dies Trying to Protect Buffet Ice Cream Machine from Obese Woman - Home just eight weeks after being wounded during his second tour in Iraq, Javier Rodriguez of Macon, Georgia died in a valiant attempt to protect the financial solvency of his new employer from the gluttony of an overweight customer when he inserted himself between the soft serve ice cream machine at a Country House Buffet... (More)

	Osama Bin Laden Begins Threatening Americans Individually Via Email -In a possible attempt to revitalize his profile as a fear provoking international terrorist, Osama Bin Laden, or someone claiming to be him, has launched a new campaign of terror in which individual Americans are being individually threatened through... (More)

	News From The Future - Republican "Frankenstein" Candidate Attacks President Obama During Debate - Republican Presidential nominee and so-called ultimate politician Libber T. Freedom smashed much of the set, struck moderator Brian Williams in the head and nearly strangled President Obama to death when he went on a rampage during the first of three debates with his incumbent rival last night. Mr. Freedom, an organic composite... (More)

	15 Year-Old Girl Wanted For Stalking Middle-Aged Men On My-Space.com - A fifteen year-old California girl is being sought in connection with crimes she allegedly committed using the popular website MySpace.com, including several counts of sexual misconduct and fraud against at least seven middle-aged men residing in the Sacramento area, state officials report. According to police, the girl, operating under the alias of Sweet15, first contacted the men through their MySpace accounts... (More)

	Nation’s Elderly Increasingly Looking to Porn to Support Expensive Pharmaceutical Drug Habits - 82 year-old Eloise Nightingale lived the quiet life of a wife and homemaker in rural Iowa until she suffered a heart attack two years ago, and lacking the ability to pay what Medicare wouldn’t for her medication, soon became known internationally as porn star Wendy Tunnels after she began acting in sex videos to subsidize her new pill habit... (More)

	Winners of Trinity High School's 15th Annual Christian Science Fair - Are pimples the wrath of God? Can We Trust What Anthropologists Tell Us? How long can a sinner survive in a cold room? Did Dinosaurs Really Exist? Is nature evil? Trinity High School's best and brightest have taken strides in answering these questions and more inside... (More)

	“God Hates Cripples” Says Christian Fundamentalist Group - Several members of the Westboro Baptist Church of Topeka, Kansas and half a dozen local supporters took to the streets outside of a hospice for handicapped adults to protest what they call the deviant and defective lifestyle of the mentally and physically disabled Tuesday. According to local police who monitored the event, the protest resembled dozens of others... (More)

	News from the Future: Government Plan Offers Incentives for Abortions, Suicide - Jan. 28, 2115 – Our most exalted leader President George Handsomefellow Bush III announced today the inception of a new federal program dubbed “Heroes Way Out” that will grant valuable rewards to citizens who choose to end their own lives, that of their fetuses, or both. Everyone is hailing... (More)

	Dying Child’s Play Costs Louisville Bowl Game – Coach Fired, Grave Desecrated - University of Louisville's Head Coach Bobby Petrino's post-game revelation that a preposterous play called at a crucial juncture in the fourth quarter of his side's 35-24 loss to Virginia Tech in the Gator Bowl January 2nd was made to fulfill the dying wish of a young boy has touched off a firestorm this week that has precipitated Petrino’s firing and the desecration of the child’s grave... (More)

	American Pregnant Olympics Team Loses Corporate Sponsorships– Entire Campaign a Ruse for Women to Circumvent Partial Birth Abortion Ban? - Christian groups along with several corporations have rescinded their sponsorship of the American Pregnant Olympics team after another one of its members suffered a miscarriage during training without seeming the least bit upset about it...(More)

	Gay Republicans Pour from Closet as Draft Appears More Likely- With the possibility of a military draft looming larger as conditions in Iraq fail to improve and the rhetoric of the Bush administration towards Iran, Syria and North Korea grows more ominous, scores of republican men are announcing for the first time that they are gay, reports indicate...(More)

	Scientists Discover Mutation Responsible For Aversion To Retarded Pop-Culture Crap - Over the last half century they've walked amongst us while taking different forms, these hippies, beats, punks, goths, intellectuals, and so-called tasteful types who chuff and roll their eyes at the slightest mention of some piece of retarded pop-culture horseshit. Indeed, at an estimated 25% of the American population, there's a very good chance... (More)

	News From the ‘Right’: Household Swearing – The Hidden Danger to Children Lacking Health Insurance - Warning – the following article contains extreme language that was left unedited for impact. Please read with discretion – ed. - According to a recent study, verbal profanity is five times as profuse amongst American families lacking health insurance... (More)*

	Pfizer, FDA Dismiss Claim Linking Infant Acne Medication with Baby Suicides as “Coincidence”- Pharmaceutical giant Pfizer has dismissed claims that Gagatene, a new drug designed to treat infant acne, is responsible for a rash of suicides amongst the babies taking it. Despite reports showing a whopping 1,480,000% increase in suicide rates between babies... (More)

	Bush to Nation’s Elderly: “Support my Social Security Reforms or Electronic Homosexual Robots Will Rip You to Pieces” - President Bush warned the nation’s elderly today that, amongst other horrible outcomes, a failure of his planned privatization of the country’s Social Security system would inevitably result in legions of electronic homosexual robots rampaging through... (More)

	Government Invents New Drug, Declares Half-Ass War On It - President George Bush declared war yet again today, this time one of a disingenuous variety on the drug 3-bromo-1,4 dimethyl-phenethylamine, a powerful and addictive new narcotic recently invented by CIA sponsored scientists to fund the counterinsurgency in Iraq. The nature and projected impact of the new drug... (More)

	War Games Proving Increasingly Deadly for Nation’s Children - Two more young children perished today in yet another incident of War on Terror inspired playtime activity turned deadly. The victims, whose names have yet to be released pending notification of their scarce parents, were shot to death in a Columbus, Ohio area park after the motorized Hummer car they were riding...(More)..

	Limb Dismemberment Craze Excites Teens, Worries Parents - Unnecessary elective limb dismemberment is emerging as the newest wild fashion trend amongst the nation’s teen population as angst filled youngsters from coast to coast are voluntarily chopping off their own arms and legs as an expression of individuality... (More)

	Right-to-Life Families Increasingly Refusing to Give Up on “Dead” Relatives – Graves Plundered - To the Roberts family of Cheyenne Wyoming, the word ‘dead’ is a four letter word that has no place in their home. They are a right-to-life family who believe that faith can overcome any adversity – even the state of clinical death their beloved grandfather Harvey slipped into after suffering a major embolism and falling down a flight of stairs and through a plate glass window in 2002... (More)

	Woman Sees Sad Face of Ronald McDonald in Hamburger Bun - Renews Loyalty to McDonalds - A woman who found herself confronted by the sorrowful visage of Ronald McDonald on the bun of a hamburger purchased from a local diner has vowed to never buy a non-McDonalds burger again... (More)

	Polygamist Misses Entire Ballgame - Owing to the incessant obstruction of his view of the television screen by many of his 84 wives and 59 children, local Mormon polygamist Benjamin Baird missed every play of the Colorado Rockies broadcast he tried to watch Monday night. A ninth inning throwing error by Washington Nationals third baseman Vinny Castilla... (More)

	Jenna Bush Expecting Rapist’s Child – Family “Couldn’t be more Proud”- The Bush family issued a press release yesterday stating that their daughter Jenna is pregnant with the child of a Secret Service agent who raped her and is due in February. The announcement, which proceeded to emphasize that the disclosure of Jenna’s condition was not politically motivated in the least... (More)

	News From The Future - South Dakota Woman Charged With Murder After Sixth Inbred Baby Conceived by Rape Dies - Charlene Foxworthy of Rapid City, South Dakota was charged with murder yesterday after her 8- month old son was found dead, floating upside down in a fish tank. Although she denies murdering her son, the fact that the child was the sixth conceived ...(More)

	Commercials in Your Dreams? Coming soon to a Nap near You - According to advertising industry experts, the sleep barrier – that seven to eight hours in the day the average consumer’s mind is made inaccessible to ads by its natural resting cycle – is about to be broken as newly innovated technology promises to effectively deliver product placements within a dozing brain... (More)

	Verizon to Introduce New 'Talk to the Dearly Departed' Phone Service - Verizon’s new “Talk to the Dearly Departed” phone plan, which promises to allow customers to communicate with their deceased relatives and loved ones over the telephone, is set to be launched by the telecommunications giant later... (More)

George W. Bush to Future Alzheimer’s Patients of America: “Let Them Have Teddy Bears!” - In the wake of his announced intention to continue freezing funding increases for the National Institutes of Health, President George W. Bush unveiled a low-cost consolation plan last week intended to alleviate the suffering of future Alzheimer’s patients who acquire the disease in the interim... (More)

President Bush Accidentally Gives Madlib Speech - President Bush delivered an address to be remembered last week at the US Army War College in Pennsylvania after his speechwriters accidentally mixed-up the final transcript of his speech with a version they’d converted into a humorous Madlib for fun...(More)

The Weeping Ghost of Lincoln Appears on Larry King to Apologize for not Letting the South Go - ...A haggard and distraught apparition of Abraham Lincoln appeared on the Larry King Show to apologize for not letting the South go during his presidency, and, “Completely wasting everybody’s time with the Civil War.” (More)

Baptist Science Fair 2004 - 3^rd Prize: Negative Stimuli, Positive Results: Masturbation Habits Reduced in Gerbils with Electric Shock – Daniel McPhee - 5th Grader Daniel McPhee’s experiment demonstrates the beneficial potential of aversive stimuli in the treatment of aberrant behavior. Mr. McPhee’s study showed that auto-erotic stimulation by libidinous gerbils could be reduced by over 60%... (More)

US Supreme Court to be Re-Named ‘Pizza Hut Meat Lovers Supreme Court Brought To You By Pepsi Cola’ - The United States Supreme Court, the chief authority of the judicial branch and the highest court in the nation, will be known as the “Pizza Hut Meat Lovers Supreme Court Brought To You By Pepsi-Cola” for at least the next ten years... (More)

Minority Report: Florida Employing Psychics to Suspend Voting Rights of Future Black Criminals - In counties all over Florida, individuals with extrasensory perception are pouring over the names of black constituents, searching for extrasensory signals of future felonious wrongdoing... (More)

News From the Future - Serial Killer Honored with Parade - New New York, Tennessee - A crowd estimated in the millions attended a boisterous parade yesterday in New New York to honor one of the nation’s fastest emerging new heroes, philanthropist serial killer Dennis "Bleeding Heart" Higgins... (More)