Home World National Opinion Local Entertainment Home And Garden Advice Farts And Giggles  

                Links Contact

Pawlenty Presidential Exploratory Committee Vanishes in Arctic Circle

Search parties continue to scour the vast Canadian arctic for survivors of Tim Pawlenty's Presidential Exploratory Committee after it went missing somewhere in that vast, desolate wilderness earlier this month.

Led by campaign manager Nick Ayers, the group of approximately 30 staffers departed St. Paul, Minnesota on April 8th to seek a southeastern passage to the White House, only to get lost and stray as far afield of their destination as King William's Island near the North Pole.

Credit card activity of members of the expedition indicate they stopped for coffee and assorted pastries at a series of Starbucks along Interstate 94 through Minnesota and Wisconsin on the 3rd, then at a Peete's Coffee in Sudbury, Ontario on the 4th, suggesting a severe navigational error. Disturbingly, the next sign of the group came on April 8th, when the remains of 21 year-old staff intern Tricia Sellers were discovered on the west coast of Hudson Bay in Manitoba, her dismembered corpse exhibiting saw-marks characteristic of human cannibalism.

"The almost immediate resort to cannibalism is alarming to say the least," remarked Canadian Arctic Ranger Commander David Hitchcock, "Unless found quite soon, I am afraid these people will continue to aimlessly wander the barren landscape, subsisting only on one another's flesh."

Since the discovery of Sellers' corpse, the gun-shot and ravaged bodies of two other members of the committee, Alex Kesler and Cristal Orpik, have been found in Nunavet, Canada, indicating the group has maintained their deeply flawed northerly course all the way into Canada's Arctic Archipelago.

A note attached to Kesler's remains stated: "Tried to shoot a seal. Alex was much easier. Sorry."

As of noon today, Pawlenty officially changed the vanished committee's status from "exploratory" to "lost". He has yet to reveal whether he plans to form any future committees.

Read More

    9 Year-Old Boy Outvoted 3-1 In Family Suicide Pact

    Household Swearing – The Hidden Danger to Children Lacking Health Insurance

    Sweetie, Wiping Your Semen into Mommy’s Carpet Makes the Baby Jesus Cry - By: Kaitlyn Prendergast

    Poll: 4% of Americans Are Vampires