Sweetie, Wiping Your Semen into Mommy’s Carpet Makes the Baby Jesus Cry
By: Kaitlyn Prendergast

Jeremy sweetie, can we have a talk? I don’t know how quite to say this, but it concerns the baby Jesus and his feelings regarding something you’ve been doing with some of your…stuff… on the floor. No, this isn’t about your hockey equipment, although that’s certainly something we evidently need to discuss again. No Jeremy, this has to do with something else – something that’s leaving spots on the carpet that the baby Jesus and I are quite fond of.

Do you know what I’m talking about? No? Oh boy… well, I don’t mean to embarrass you honey, but I’m talking about your semen - the semen that you’ve been wiping into the carpet all over the house. You see, when you do that it discolors the fibers and makes the baby Jesus cry. Do you understand?

Jeremy, let’s not have an argument about this. Come on and take a look. There’s a spot there and there and there’s a whole bunch under your bed and in the living room by the television, and it’s not food so you do the math.

Now I realize that you’re of that age where you’re turning into a man and that’s what little men do, but all I’m asking is that you do it into a tissue or something you can flush down the toilet when you’re done because this carpet is very expensive and it makes the baby Jesus and me very upset to see it ruined.

Sweetie no, it’s definitely not your father’s. Your father is a grown man who knows better than to wipe his you-know-what into the gosh darn floor. And no, it isn’t burglars. Why would somebody break in here just to do that? Seriously Jeremy, knock it off before the baby Jesus tells Santa and he decides not to bring you any Play Station games for Christmas.

Oh yeah, you know about him already. Well then, cut it out or I’ll start taking whatever it costs to replace the carpet you goobered out of your allowance. Now go pick up your hockey gear and put it in the laundry before it gives you AIDS.