Sixteen Year-Old Boy Hasn't Masturbated, Slept in Four Years

Coloroado Springs, CO: "Recovering sinner" Trevor Bolton, 16, has suffered a spell of complete insomnia spanning an amazing four years, sources report.

According to the Bolton family, their son's inability to sleep is divine punishment from God for the sinful act of allowing the devil to possess him to manipulate his penis for the purpose of achieving sexual gratification in 2003.

"Though he knew not of what he was doing, my son opened the door to Satan the morning he locked himself in our bathroom for forty-five minutes four years ago. He defiled not only himself and my bathroom rug, but the word of the Lord, and now he must completely atone for his sin before God will intervene and banish the devil from his body," proclaimed Trevor's mother Lorainne.

Lorainne went on to describe the turmoil they've faced as Trevor's restless struggle against the "dark spirit" inhabiting his soul has provoked radical, often destructive behavioral changes and mood swings in their son.

"He's not the same boy as before. He used to be so happy. Now if he's not curled up in a ball, he's pacing the floor for hours or throwing a fit, screaming in tongues and breaking things. Just the other day we were watching his favorite movie, 'Toy Story 2' when out of nowhere he jumped out of his seat, threw the TV on the ground and started smashing it with the fire poker, shouting things I couldn't repeat."

Detailing his own plight, Trevor described the symptoms of his possession.

"I can't... sleep. Whenever I close my eyes I see things. Snakes. They're everywhere. They crawl up my legs. I grab them, try to strangle them, but they only grow longer. They spit their white venom in my face!"

Trevor added: "I haven't done that thing I did again since the first time, and I can only pray that God shall soon be satisfied with my penitence. I have suffered so much."

Despite the Bolton family's reluctance to seek medical advice for their son's affliction, local doctor Joeseph Heller was confident enough to proffer a diagnosis sans any physical evaluation of the boy.

"He needs to masturbate," said Heller, "There's nothing wrong with it. Even at the age of fifty-eight I masturbate at least three times a week. It's not only a lot of fun, it's also good for you."