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Is Mount Rushmore Being "Muslim-ified"?

Right wing conspiracy theorists are pointing at what they call "deliberate, surreptitious alterations" to Mount Rushmore as evidence that the Obama administration is a pro-Islamic puppet regime bent on turning America Muslim.

According to members the conservative website FreeRepublic.com, Thomas Jefferson didn't have a beard, and Abrahim Lincoln wore a top hat, not a turban.

"It's bad enough that they're trying to rob us of our future, now they're going after our past as a Judo-Christian (sic) nation," wrote one anonymous poster.

National Park Service Director Ali Hashim, whose agency oversees the maintenance of Mount Rushmore, insists no changes have been made to the memorial.

"My friend, nothing has changed. This I tell you," said Hashim.

Nonetheless, many Americans believe now more than ever that President Obama is using his time in office to affect a gradual, clandestine "Muslim-ification" of their country.

The Calhouns of Hoboken, Nevada (not their actual surname or hometown), say they had little choice but to convert to Islam after hearing that the Obama administration would exempt Muslims from paying the penalty tax for not having health insurance mandated by the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act because their religion considers the purchase of insurance a form of gambling.

"I miss Jesus," lamented Ethyl Calhoun, who says she and her family have taken to praying to Mecca five times a day, wearing their curtains and eating nothing but Halal meat in order to avoid being identified as impostors by government secret agents.

"I feel terrible," Calhoun said, "But the alternative is to buy healthcare or pay taxes."

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Jesus Would Make One Heck of a Better Husband than My Charlie - By: Peggy Kitzmiller