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Americans to Undergo Preschool Reeducation in Advance of Country’s Conversion to Communism

In the wake of the cataclysmic failure of free market capitalism and the nationalization of the country’s banks, Americans over the age of seven will be forced to complete a reeducation program designed to re-instill lessons learned in preschool that have been deemed essential to functioning in a communist society by the federal government.

“Kids learn a lot about things like sharing and playing fair during their pre-school and kindergarten years that are gradually forgotten as such values simply aren’t congruous with the everyday world of a capitalist society, but will become of paramount importance once again as the United States transitions to communism,” remarked Pat Caufield of the Department of Education.

Caufield proceeded to describe what the reeducation would seek to achieve.

“In today’s America, for example, a person who’s somehow acquired a number of eggs will assume personal ownership of those eggs. They will say, ‘These are MY eggs, and I will do with them as I please. Perhaps I will eat them in an omelet, or maybe I’ll throw them at a house. Regardless, it doesn’t matter, because they are MY eggs,” Caufield explained, “But such will not be the case in the America of tomorrow. In tomorrow’s America, those eggs will be the people’s eggs. Meaning if a neighbor suddenly gets the wild idea to bake some chocolate whoopee pies and he’s minus one egg, he can come over and help himself – hence the importance of sharing.”

Citing Karl Marx, who presaged: "The owners of capital will stimulate the need of the working class to take expensive, collateral loans to buy their condos, houses and technological products; and, at the end, these unpaid debts will result in the nationalization of the banks upon their bankrupcy, and so the state will be on the pathway to communism," Caufield emphasized the exigency of reestablishing preschool values in all post-adolescent Americans.

"Being too young to understand the concepts of capitalism or exchange their labor for money, preschool children are merely taught not to destroy or deface the material objects that comprise their classroom because doing so isn't nice," said Caufield, "The same will be true of the communes most Americans will soon inhabit. Though they may get away with breaking things that are collectively owned, breaking things isn't nice."


 
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