How to Knit a Cute Hat for Your Un-aborted Fetus
By: Laura Bush

Hello there, and congratulations on being a mom in waiting! As a mother of two, I know that there’s nothing more rewarding and magical than helping to re-populate the world by not flouting God’s will by getting an abortion. I applaud your ability to recognize that your eternal salvation is worth more than taking the easy way out, especially considering the easy way out probably seems more and more enticing these days, what with all the disease, starvation, and war lords going around, not to mention the enormous cuts in domestic and foreign social and family services made by my husband in recent years. Indeed, the world can be a daunting place to bring a child into, even for those women whose partners are still around. But enough of all that, I can just imagine all the women out there sitting in their ghetto apartments and grass thatch huts with confused looks, thinking "Gee-whiz lady, get on with it why don’t ya?" so let’s get to it.

In order to knit a cute hat for that precious little bundle, you’ll need yarn (the choice of color is yours, but may I suggest red, white and blue?), one large 24 inch circular needle, and one small 16 inch circular needle.

***Important Note: At no time during the knitting process should your needles enter your uterus.

First, cast one hundred stitches onto one needle, then transfer half of these onto the opposite end of the second. To make a clean join, move the top stitch from the left needle to the right needle and pull the top stitch on the right needle through the stitch transferred from the left needle and place it on the left needle. Pull your stitches snug so your baby doesn’t catch a cold sleeping in the car while you sell yellow ceramic Tweety Birds at the border all day.

Next, slip the stitches waiting to be worked on the background circular down its left side needle and knit them onto its right side needle right to left. After the first three or four stitches are done, pull the resting stitches down to the other circular’s cable the way you pull your skirt down for every Tom, Dick and Harry. Knit all the way across this circular, then switch and work back across the other, always right to left. And that’s all there is to it! Now if only figuring out who your child’s daddy is could be so easy!

For a nice little pompom to adorn your un-aborted fetus’s hat, wind some yarn 200 times around a 3" piece of cardboard and tie the windings together tightly at one end. Then, cut through the yarn at the opposite edge, trim the pompom into a round ball and tie it to the top of the hat with some matching yarn. How adorable!

So farewell until next time, brave mother to be, and enjoy knitting your un-aborted fetus’s hat, but most of all, enjoy your un-aborted fetus. You never know, it could grow up to be the next Albert Einstein or Dick Cheney! (Yeah, right.)