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Fox to Launch Fox Kids News Channel for Pedophiles

21st Century Fox announced today plans to launch a new Fox Kids News Channel that will cater to pedophiles.

Slated to debut in February, the new basic cable channel will cover breaking news and current events as reported on by attractive children between the ages of 6 and 12, Fox executives say.

"We at Fox News appreciate the diversity of our audience and wish to deliver programming that accomodates a wide range of tastes - from heterosexual men to men who might prefer getting their news from an 8 year-old boy in his underpants," remarked Fox News Marketing Director Gary Zizak.

Appearing on "Fox and Friends" to promote the new channel dressed in a mini-skirt and purple cotton panties, 9 year-old Misty Meadows emphasized that the content of Fox Kids News would be just as hard-hitting as the adult version of the network.

"Like, take this story about the factory fire in China that killed something like a hundred people today," Meadows said between licks of a lollipop, "It totally reminds you of what a complete disaster Obamacare has been."

7 year-old Fox Kids News pundit Suzie Storms said she was "super-psyched" about her new job.

"I think it will be fun," Storms said, "I'm doing a lot of jump ropes so I can be skinny for my show, and also because it's important to stay healthy since Obamacare sucks so bad."

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