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Protestors, Counterprotestors Resolve Israeli Conflict by Screaming, Yelling

It was a long, noisy night, but fighting in the Gaza Strip and West Bank ceased this morning after a 16-hour-long stand-off between pro-Palestinian protestors and their pro-Israeli counterparts in Danville, Virginia appears to have resulted in a resolution of the eight decades-old conflict.

The summit, which started when pro-Israeli demonstrators clashed with dozens of Norfolk State University students staging a walkout of their school in protest of Israel's bombing of Gaza, quickly devolved into a heated shouting match that continued throughout the night as both sides went on hurling abuse and the occasional shoe or bottle at each other.

"I heard the chanting outside my window, then a bunch of screaming, and was like, 'Oh boy, here we go again'," Danville resident Melanie Griffin described the scene. "That's when the car horn started. Someone on one side or the other started leaning on a car horn, and that apparently did the trick, because now the war is over."

In accordance with the Norfolk resolution, whose terms have reportedly been agreed to by both Israeli and Hamas authorities, the Palestinian people will consent to all just die already if Israel will fuck off and go to hell.

"I think it's fair. Each side is giving something up, but its still a win-win," Herzi Halevi, Chief of the Israeli Defense Forces remarked. "Ultimately, we're both getting what we want."

Mrs. Griffin was also pleased with the outcome.

"At least now I can get some peace and quiet," she said. "Until people think of something else to yell and scream at each other about."

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