Mom's New Hummer Makes Life A Living Hell For Bay Area Middle Schooler
Since being seen disembarking from his mother's new Hummer outside of Rolling Hills Middle School this Monday, life has been miserable for eleven year-old Josh Ritterman of Pacifica, California, an affluent coastal town just south of San Francisco.
In contrast to a General Motors advertising campaign that suggests being observed in a Hummer will immediately improve a child's esteem amongst his peers, the maladroit Ritterman's already awkward transition to his new school has become an unspeakable nightmare as he has had to endure a relentless outpouring of abuse and degradation from his liberal minded classmates.
"They call me things like 'conspicuous consumer', 'Nazi gas hog', and 'dick cheese'," confessed a sullen Ritterman, adding, "And they ask things like whether I'm going to join my mom's next re-supply mission to Albertsons to replenish our Lunchables and Spicy Nacho Dorito rations," alluding to the fare his mother commonly packs him for lunch.
Furthermore, the torment Josh faces on a daily basis isn't limited to verbal harassment, as in the course of his nine day tenure at Rolling Hills he has had his backpack splattered with artificial blood, been inserted into a garbage receptacle, had signs containing disparaging false confessions regarding the size of his genitalia affixed to the back of his clothes without his knowledge, and has been physically assaulted, including one instance in which his underpants were forcibly pulled upwards through the separation of his buttocks, injuring his crotch and anus.
Complained Ritterman: "I tell them it isn't my fault - that I didn't pick my mom's car, but they don't listen."
Reportedly, at the center of his expansive ring of tormentors is a boy who's cousin was killed in Iraq.
"This guy Lennon is always on my case. He asked me my first day why his cousin should be killed just so my mom can drive to the mall in a big ugly tank that gets eight miles a gallon with the air conditioning cranked, but before I could say anything, he hit me in the head with a mango," recounted Ritterman, "I mentioned the 'Support The Troops' sticker she has on her bumper, but that only made him more angry and he smacked me in the face with his soy weiner."
Meanwhile, Josh Ritterman Sr. expresses little surprise or concern over his son's predicament at school.
"I told his mother that stupid car wouldn't go over here, but she had to have one. She even thought it would make the kids think Josh was 'a cool dude'," groused Mr. Ritterman, "She's spoiled the boy. The kid's as soft as warm butter, or else he might actually be able to fend for himself. What a disgrace. If you ask me, they're both a couple of jerks and can go to hell for all I care."
