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Obese, Malodorous Boy Missing

fat boyColorado Springs, CO - Authorities are searching for a 12-year-old boy who went missing from his north suburban Colorado Springs home sometime between Monday evening and Wednesday afternoon.

Todd Griffin's disappearance from his home at 1325 Whispering Glen Lane was reported after a neighborhood acquaintance came to the house to return a video game. His father said that his son was lying on the couch watching television "as usual" when he was last seen.

Described as squat and portly by his parents, Griffin is less than five feet tall and weighs approximately 160 to 180 pounds, has brown, normally ungroomed hair, either brown or green eyes, and wears corrective lenses for an astigmatism, lending him the appearance of a "garbage can with glasses".

"Todd tends to pick at himself a lot, especially at his shorts and his nose," disclosed Kimberly Griffin, Toby's mother, "And he exudes an unpleasant odor, like a combination of fish oil and the inside of an old wig."

Mrs. Griffin added: "He also breathes with his mouth open, has a pretty bad acne problem on his face and neck, and has a secret habit of masturbating by rubbing himself against the cushions of our couch, if that helps at all."

Griffin's physical appearance and aversion to the outside world has baffled local police and the small handful of neighbors who made a perfunctory search of the neighborhood Thursday morning.

"He doesn't sound like the type of child who would just get up and wander off, and yet his getting abducted seems as plausible as a 92 Corolla being stolen from a locked garage," remarked Colorado Springs Police Sergeant Tom Jefferies, "But you never know. There are a lot of sick puppies out there."

Todd's father expressed his belief that his son's disappearance will resolve itself soon one way or the other.

"Todd literally cannot go more than a few hours without Burger King or Hot Pockets, so he'll either come home on his own before long or make whoever kidnapped him so miserable they'll kick him out of the van at the next bus stop."

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