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Trump Eliminates Minimum Food Limits in Kids' School Rat Feces

Heralding a major victory for dozens of commercial food distributors around the country, companies will no longer need to abide by standards that kids' school rat feces contain a minimum amount of food.

Calling the previous requirement that at least 49% of the rat feces served children in the nation's public schools must consist of food 'arbitrary' and 'burdensome', school lunch contractors such as Wilmington, Delaware's AAA Urban and Industrial Waste Management are cheering today's announcement.

"Do you know what the government was defining as food? 'A nourishing, non-toxic substance capable of sustaining life'," AAA CEO Sergei Kucharov complained. "This is crazy. Where do I find this? This was not good for business."

The latest salvo in the Trump administration's war on federal regulation, eliminating mandated ratios of nutritional substances to the randomly occurring feces, maggots, mold, rot, cockroaches, cigarette butts, grit and hair in school lunches will serve as a significant boon to the economy, Trump FDA appointee and former school lunch contractor executive Donald Caple declared today.

"The fact is, restrictive regulations such as these have forced schools to seek lower-priced lunch stuff from country's like China and Mexico, whose robust fish emulsion and fertilizer industries generate byproducts that conform to these standards," Caple said. "Also, by redressing the mis-categorization as inedible certain types of plants, rubber and plant parts such as rinds and weeds, costs can be reduced and job growth stimulated here at home."

Meanwhile, despite some very vocal resistance to the deregulation, some school children say they welcome the loosening of the law.

"If its between Salisbury steak and rat poop, I'll have rat poop," one fifth grader said.

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