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Man Spends 8% of Work-From-Home-Friday Whacking Off
Senior Human Resources Associate Ryan Burch spent 8% of his work-from-home-Friday whacking off, he reported today.
"8%. Not bad," he remarked, calculating from his laptop's browser history the 42 minutes out of his 8-hour workday that he spent on web porn.
"I try to keep it under 10%," Burch said.
Burch, who also cites getting to skip a day of traffic as a perk of his company's new work-from-home-Friday offering, emphasizes the proffesionality he exercises in not abusing his newfound ability to masturbate on the clock.
"I always put my job first. For example, today I spent the first hour and ten minutes of my morning responding to emails from employees about their healthcare flex spending accounts, how much maternity leave they're eligible for, etc., before clicking over to Pornhub," he pointed out.
Added Burch: "It amazes me, though. I'm always, like, maybe try reading the employee handbook before you get knocked up? But, whatever."
Furthermore, according to Burch, a significant portion of his less than 10% of the day on porn sites isn't even spent pleasuring himself.
"A lot of times it takes awhile to find the right video. Today for example, I clicked on a link called 'Busty Teen Begs for Step Brother's Cum', but the girl was probably more like 25 and her tits were too big," he explained.
"Also too many tattoos is a thing," Burch went on. "Especially when they put them right by their vaginas. I mean, what is that?"
Burch, who also readily admits to jerking off in a figurative sense on sites like Reddit and ESPN.com for approximately half of the remainder of his workday, was quick to play down that number.
"Well, come on now. Everybody does that," he said.
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