Wrestling Battle Royale between Jesus and Mohammed Mired in Scandal – Both Prove Passive, Annihilated by Invading Wrestlers

Billed as the “Holy war to end all holy wars” the main event wrestling match between the Christian messiah Jesus Christ and the Islamic prophet Mohammed at World Wrestling Entertainment’s “Unforgiven” pay-per-view special quickly deteriorated into complete Armageddon with no clear winners last night after the two combatants refused to fight each other and instead were badly beaten by other wrestlers who interfered in the match.

Madison Square Garden in New York was a seething cauldron of hostility prior to the showdown as Christian and Muslim adherents alike eagerly anticipated a resolution to centuries of religious discord – which had been inflamed in the days leading up to the “Final Judgment” by WWE promotions featuring interviews with entourage members of each of the holy icons.

Jesus Christ’s self appointed wrestling manager William “Jerry” Boykin, well known for his vitriolic tirades against Muslims while a Lt. General in the US Army, grabbed a microphone during a press conference Friday and screamed, “Muslims are the pigs of Satan which makes Mohammed a king of pigs!  His treachery and weakness will be revealed by the divine jackknife powerbomb and guillotine leg drop of Jesus!”

Mohammed’s self appointed manager, Abu Mussab al-Zarqawi, shot back, “Jesus read his sermons off the backs of ancient bubble gum wrappers. He could not carry the holy leotard of Mohammed and will choke on his mighty claw of Allah!”

However, in stark contrast to the fiery rhetoric that preceded it, the match began in an anti-climactic fashion when the bell rang and Jesus and Mohammed casually approached each other, shook hands and began conversing in a civil manner.  This shocking development elicited a chorus of boos which resonated until Scottie 2 Hottie emerged from backstage, entered the ring and broke a guitar over Mohammed’s head, sending him sprawling and the crowd into a mad delirium that only intensified as the Mad Sheik then invaded the ring, threw sand in Jesus Christ’s face, leveled him with a brutal running powerslam and subjected him to a crippler crossface that lasted until Jim Ross abandoned his position behind the broadcaster’s microphone to slip under the bottom rope and hit the Mad Sheik in the back with a steel chair.

The integrity of the event degenerated further as several other unsanctioned wrestlers, including Hurricane, Triple H and American Taliban invaded the match to engage each other in a gruesome maelstrom of violent, often acrobatic wrestling maneuvers that would eventually leave Mohammed bloodied and unconscious and Jesus re-crucified in the middle of the mat to a cross retrieved from beneath the ring.  

In spite of the vast disappointment fans feel over the match’s failure to produce a definitive winner, WWE chairman Vince McMahon deemed it a magnificent success.

“The people wanted Armageddon, we gave them Armageddon.  Sure, there was no clear-cut winner tonight, but everyone got their money’s worth, and if you don’t believe me, just wait and have a look at our pay-per-view sales when these two guys have their rematch in seven months at Summer Slam.  That’s right folks, mark your calendars.  'Final Judgment 2' will be coming your way next July!”