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Dr. Fauci Urges Americans to Sexually Self-Gratify

Addressing a less-often discussed issue related to the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic, Dr. Fauci recommended this morning that Americans sexually self-gratify in order to limit the spread of the virus.

"Masturbate, masturbate, masturbate. I can't say that enough," Fauci urged before a somewhat stunned assembly of reporters.

"Do your business, get it out of your system, and then please wash your hands," he said.

Stressing again the need for social distancing, Fauci issued specific guidance for the limitation of sexual contact in the midst of the outbreak.

"No more going down to Bushwick Avenue or the Ramble for quickies. No more Ashley Madison, Grindr, Snapfuck, Fuckswipe, any of that. If you want a hand job, give it to yourself," Fauci admonished.

Added Fauci: "You want to help beat this thing, then beat off."

Asked whether his recommendation would extend to cohabitating partners, Fauci said that it wouldn't hurt.

"Like I've said before, just assume you have it and behave accordingly. If you really love your wife or husband, whack off while they're out walking the dog," he said.

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