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(Useless) Tips for Achieving Financial Independence and Early Retirement

In order to achieve FIRE (Financial Independence Retire Early) experts advise an individual's net assets should equal at least twenty-five times their annual cost of living. The following are some (not) useful tips for reaching this goal:

Perhaps the most important piece to solving the FIRE puzzle is earning as much money as possible while you are working. Instead of settling for a less well-paying job at your local Starbucks, be a successful doctor or a lawyer.

Debt is like water on the FIRE. Either try consolidating and refinancing your debt into a single aggressive repayment plan or simply start over by assuming the identity of an infant who died in another state. For the latter, make sure the unfortunate child passed away around the time you were born or it might look weird.

Attaining FIRE requires sacrifice. For example, no matter how much you might love your children, they are a major expense. Get rid of them.

Try cutting your food budget by occasionally shoplifting the food you get from the market. Simply walking out of the store without paying every three or four times you shop can cut your annual grocery bill by up to 33%.

Invest in a disguise if you're going to shoplift. Most likely security will figure it's just a false alarm if you set off the anti-theft buzzer at the door as long as you're white, but just in case, you should at least be wearing a fake beard and a sombrero.

Also, for shoplifting, bring a knife in case they get you cornered. Using your best Mexican accent, wave it around like you mean it, asking who wants to get cut.

For the shoplifting thing, it's very important that you get away. Shoplifting fines can be steep, and threatening people with a deadly weapon can incur costly legal fees.

Cut the fat. Eliminate things from your life that aren't absolutely essential, like eye glasses and paper towels. Use your sleeve; or, if you haven't already gotten rid of her, the cat.

Once you've finished wiping up all the spills and stains around your home, ditch the cat.

FIRE winners invest aggressively. Put large amounts of money in emerging market growth funds or your cousin's can't miss house flipping business.

Save even more money by turning that yearly vacation into a biennial event. Instead of forking over a month's-worth of salary to travel a few thousand miles to some cheesy resort, $20 worth of peyote can transport you light years to any of the best beaches in the universe.

Carpe diem, baby. Most people don't retire early because they're expecting to live a long time. If you shave a decade or two off those poopy final years however, you can comfortably retire at a much earlier age. Take up smoking. Get sloppy drunk every night. Adopt a fast food-only diet. It's fun.

Peeing in the shower can save you upwards of $8 per year off your water bill.

Have a side hustle to generate ancillary income. Try selling your grandmother's delicious spaghetti sauce down at the farmer's market or some of your work's expensive lab equipment on eBay.

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