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Undead Franken-Reagan Electrifies GOP Convention
MINNEAPOLIS - Incredulity gave way to frenzied cheering and applause when the reanimated form of Ronald Reagan laboriously stumbled across the stage at the Republican National Convention last night.
When the amorous reception finally subsided, Reagan, recently brought back to life by way of a nebulous, non-stem cell tissue rejuvination process, regarded his audience and the bright lights that enveloped his blockish form and withered, greenish face with confusion before raising his arms halfway above his head in what resembled a celebratory gesture and bellowing, "Me Reagan!"
After the subsequent deluge of thunderous applause abated, Reagan went on to endorse John McCain as the next President of the United States.
"John McCain good!" he roared, adding: "Gargh."
In contrast with the positive, lighthearted demeanor that characterized Reagan's opening remarks, the mood of the nation's recently undead 40th president soon shifted when he set his sights on the Democratic Party and unleashed a volley of vitriolic reprobation against the policy positions of his longtime adversaries.
"Taxes bad!" he shouted, elicting another round of wild cheers, through which he managed to append his preceding statement by tearing the microphone from its mounting and holding it to his shriveled, trembling lips and howling over the din, "Abortion bad! Obama bad!"
After some heavy breathing and staggering back and forth, a wild-eyed Reagan concluded his speech by screaming, "Country first! Country first!" and smashing the podium into splinters with his bare fists before having to be restrained from assaulting a cameraman by members of the Secret Service.
Though some analysts were quick to cite Reagan's failure to touch on several issues key to the GOP platform, including gun rights and passing a constitutional ban on homosexual marriage, most Republicans were quick to praise their hero's performance.
Remarked Minnesota Senator Norm Coleman: "It was great to see the Gipper again, and I thought his wonderful speech really served as a reminder of what made him the greatest president this country has ever had."
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