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Tips for Living in a Lifetime Movie Universe
If you live in Lifetime movie and aren't a fan of drama, you're out of luck! The good news is that you likely enjoy a lifestyle well beyond your means with a teenage daughter who is essentially good, but who has her share of problems. The bad news is that a psychotic maniac is likely to soon burst that bubble of suburban tranquility with a nefarious scheme to steal your life. To help, the following are some rules to live by for you and your friends in dealing with your incredibly melodramatic lives:
• If you're wondering why everyone's eyes always come to rest just below your nose, it's not because you've pumped so much collagen into your lips that your philtrum is now half as wide as the Niagara Gorge or anything. You look great!
• The modern, 5+ bedroom Southern California home you pay for with your salary from the flower shop should be kept completely spotless at all times. Never so much as a piece of junk mail on the kitchen counter should ever be visible.
• If you're the sister or best friend of a woman who has recently hired a new nanny or physical therapist, feel free to save them the trouble by throwing yourself down a flight of stairs.
• For the love of God, make your own smoothies!
• Your hair and makeup should be done at all times. Whether you're just waking up from a full-night's sleep or getting home from a long, sweatless run, you should look like you just stepped out of the makeup chair (because you did).
• When leaving the house, keep an eye out for someone taking pictures of you from a car parked across the street. Really shouldn't be that hard. They'd be like 30 feet away. Pointing a camera at you from just across the street.
• Always check your back seat before getting behind the wheel. Did you know that the fourth leading cause of death behind getting shoved down a flight of stairs, getting pushed in front of a speeding car, and EpiPen-preventable allergic reactions is strangulation in the driver's seat of your own car? Just takes a second.
• Rule of thumb if you're not sure about who to trust: bad guys drink beer/booze, good girls drink wine.
• Don't bother calling the police on the psychopath trying to steal your life. In contrast to your breathless rambling about hidden cameras and poison cupcakes, their calm, collected version of how you've been under a lot of stress lately and abusing the drugs they've been secretly spiking into your food will likely help result in you getting thrown in jail after they show the officer the marks you gave them after finding out they've been sleeping with your man.
• If someone claiming to be your long-lost son or daughter should appear on your doorstep, don't let them in. Even if they are your kid, its not worth the headache. Tell them to keep moving.
• On the off-chance you don't work in a flower shop or an art gallery, you likely occupy some mid-management position performing vague tasks for a corporation of ambiguous industry. So, stay focused and work hard to secure that big account for that important client! The future of your company’s elusive business depends on it!
• If Vivica Fox is in any way involved in your life, something's gone very, very wrong.
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