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Recently Laid-Off Man Yet to Murder Own Family
37 year-old Robert Klein of San Diego has yet to murder his family after losing his job last week, a local news agency reported this morning.
According to KFMB, the still animated bodies of Klein's wife and five children were found watching a movie in their living room by a relative last night – the seventh that has passed without the former systems engineer massacring his family since being laid off by his former employer, Apex Biosystems Inc.
Despite admitting to feeling 'somewhat bitter' and 'worried' over his termination, Klein claims he isn't merely biding his time before stalking his spouse and kids like wild animals through their home, pumping hot lead through their bodies with a high caliber firearm, then turning the gun on himself to blow his own brains out all over a framed collection of the family's last trip to Disneyworld.
"I’m not going to kill my family," Klein stated.
When asked why not, the jobless powder keg unleashed a salvo of profanity, arguably undermining his credibility as someone who's somehow immune to the impulse to butcher his entire family like hogs in a bloody temper tantrum against a common life obstacle.
"I don't believe that malarkey for a second," remarked a neighbor of the Kleins, "If I lost my job I'd chop my family to shreds with an ax. My extended family included. Starting with my in-laws."
Still, Klein insists."I thought I might just try to find a new job," he said.
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