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Racist Gorilla Leaps to Top of Republican Polls
GOP newcomer Racist Gorilla has taken a commanding lead over all his Republican rivals just one week after announcing his candidacy for president, every major national poll now indicates.
The three hundred and fifty-pound silverback gorilla was urged to run by his handlers after being discovered at the Charlotte Animal Park in North Carolina earlier this month.
"Racist Gorilla possesses all the traits crucial to making him a strong Republican candidate for president," Racist Gorilla's campaign manager Hollis Livingston remarked. "He's a strong leader with firm conservative values, walks partially upright, and can spot a Jew from one hundred yards away."
According to visitors of the zoo where the primate also known as Eugene has spent most of his life, Racist Gorilla earned his more familiar moniker from a habit of flinging feces at minorities.
"If you have dark skin or are wearing something other than a baseball cap or a cowboy hat on your head, watch out near the gorilla exhibit at the Charlotte Zoo," one local laughed.
Not inexperienced with taking on liberals, Racist Gorilla has reportedly spent the better part of the last two decades arguing with homosexuals and black people.
"He doesn't back down," zookeeper Michelle Gates noted. "Eugene doesn't just throw his excrement and then run and hide. He gets in the faces of these people."
Livingston went on to defend his candidate from claims that being a gorilla should make Racist Gorilla ineligible to run for president.
"Testing has shown that, at 98.2% DNA homology with the human genome, Racist Gorilla is actually more human than both Donald Trump and Ted Cruz."
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