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Eleven Year-Old Would-Be Virgin Mary Miscarries Baby Jesus
The second coming of Christ was delayed indefinitely Friday when 11 year-old would-be modern day Virgin Mary Ashley Siler of Belmont, Missouri miscarried the baby Jesus in a Morning Creek Middle School restroom stall.
Though confirmed to be as yet sexually unspoiled, Siler's lack of moral rectitude allowed the devil to enter her body and take up residence in her womb, setting the stage for the cataclysmic battle of good and evil that was to follow.
"I felt kind of bloated, and my stomach started to cramp really bad," Siler said, recounting the sensations she experienced as the corrupted vessel of Christ's reincarnation, "Then I felt kind of wet, you know, and I noticed I was bleeding."
Confused, Siler staunched the flow of the slain Christ's blood with a wad of toilet paper and made her way home, where her mother informed her of her failure to Jesus and all those He'd stood to save.
"My mom said it was the rapture, and that now we're all doomed because I don't keep my room tidy enough and I watched part of 'Ghosts of Girlfriends Past' on cable after she fell asleep on the couch one night," Siler lamented.
The Dow Jones tumbled 0.3% on the day of the Son of God's miscarriage, possibly spelling the loss of millions of jobs around the world.
"I'm sorry," Siler apologized.
Siler's guilt was later somewhat assuaged, and she was relieved to discover that there is a small possibility of her being given a chance of redemption by God within about a month or so.
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