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You Want the Weather?  I’ll Give You the Weather, You Spoiled Bastard

You want to know what the weather is, huh?  What’s the story - you heading for the beach?  Planning a trip to the amusement park with the kids? Want to know if you’ll need a coat?  That’s swell.  Wouldn’t want some nasty weather to screw things up, now would we?  Yep, better fire up that internet and check on the ol’ weather before you hop in your fancy new car and set off!  Good thinking.  So you want the weather?  I’ll give you the weather, you spoiled bastard.

Good news!  If you live in central Florida and not the Darfur region of Sudan, where the extended turmoil of state sponsored genocide and starvation has killed and displaced hundreds of thousands of people, there will be no flash flooding of orphan tears to slow your drive to Sea World.  Have a great time and enjoy that cotton candy you fat jerks.

Uh-oh.  Looks like rain over parts of the Great Plains this weekend.  But if it’s any consolation, I’d wager you’d take getting hit with a little falling water in Kansas over having your limbs blown off by a torrent of mortar shells in Iraq, now wouldn’t you?  Hopefully your trip to the mall won’t be washed out!

Oh boy, it looks like there’ll be some excellent skiing in Colorado as a low pressure system over the area promises to bring lots of snow.  Of course it won’t compare with the blizzard of bloody entrails that’s been falling over the West Bank for years now, but it should yield several inches worth.  Don’t forget to put lots of suntan lotion on that precious face of yours and plenty of chapstick on those greedy lips if you’re hitting the slopes.

Planning a picnic in Salt Lake City tomorrow?  Sorry to say, Mother Nature might have something to say about that because a sleet storm is heading your way, so looks like you’ll have to move it indoors.  Perhaps while you’re eating you might think how lucky you are to have plenty of food and in indoors to eat it in, unlike most people in the world. You might even consider putting some of all that money you give to building all those fancy Mormon temples towards providing the hungry people around the world some food.  Oh, what am I thinking?  After all you’re certainly not… of anybody but yourselves, that is.  You fuckers.

That’s it for the weather.  Now go to hell.

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