What Do I Need to Say to Put You in this Coffin Today?
By: An Empty Shell with a Marketing Degree

Oh hi there. I see the Excelsior has caught your eye. It’s a fine coffin - very elegant. Do you mind if I ask what brings you by to see us today? Oh dear, that’s too bad. How long were you married? Wow, that’s almost twice as long as I’ve been alive. Then poof! They’re gone, face down in the rose garden you spent so much time in together. I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you, especially considering how doubtful it is that someone at your age has many other friends left in the world.

By the way, it might interest you to know that we’re running a special on the Titan: buy one get a second for 10% off. And if you go with the slightly more expensive Cloud Nine here, I can knock fifteen percent off the second, which would bring the total price down to almost even with the pair of Cloud Nines. What do you think?

Apparently you’re a little confused. You need two coffins for your body and your husband’s. One for him, one for you. I admire the romantic sentiment, but unfortunately none of our coffins are designed to accommodate two bodies. Oh, I see. I just thought you might’ve considered wanting to reunite with your beloved husband of forty-eight years as soon as possible. Sure he’ll always be there, probably, but who knows how long you’ll have to wait. How many long, lonely years? I know that when my grandmother died my grandfather never really got over it. He was always very gloomy and withdrawn after she passed on. It was as if he’d died with her in every way other than the physical.

Of course I’ll let you think it over. I’ll be back in a few.

So any decisions yet? No? What if I told you that I just got back from talking with my manager and he gave me the green light to tack another 5% onto that discount we were just discussing. How does that sound? Oh? Well, what do I need to say to put you in this coffin today?

You know, a heart attack or a stroke are pretty painful ways to go. I can think of several more proactive approaches that would be much more pleasant. They say carbon monoxide poisoning is just like falling asleep, and all you have to do is relax and not turn the car engine off after pulling into your garage.

So what’s standing in the way of us finishing this transaction? Are you afraid? Don’t worry, a little case of cold feet is hardly out of the ordinary. In deals like this the feet are always the first part of the body to get cold, but they aren’t the last! Just a little joke there. Seriously though, by the looks of you it wouldn’t be as if you were cutting your life all that short anyway.

So do we have a deal yet? Well then I ask you again: what do I need to say to put you in this coffin today? You need to think some more? Oh, all right. I’ll be back in a few.