Sex Tips for People Who Don't Like Their Spouse

In the spirit of all those awful fashion magazines like Vogue and Cosmo that customarily include one page of rehashed sex tips somewhere inside their monthly publication of 850 pages of advertisements, below are a number of highly useful sex tips for people who couldn't care less:
 
• Don't push it - If your wife is anything like mine and has a fuck buddy she spares little to no effort in concealing, feel free to insist upon some modicum of discretion - like taking it a motel, or at least keeping their elephantine rutting to a minimum while you're trying to watch the god damn game.

• Have a make-out session - Make out like you're going for cigarettes, then never come back.
 
• Play games together - You can make your sex life more enjoyable by introducing games to your spouse. For example, see how many days you can go without having sex, then try to beat that record. Another good one is the 'mum' game, or as it's called in my house, the 'shut the fuck up' game.
 
• Carve out some alone time - As much as possible. Carefully record your spouse's comings and goings from the house for a month, then organize your own schedule to avoid being out of the house when she's not home and vice versa.
 
• Rent a sexy movie - For yourself. Or just go on any number of websites where there's all kinds of free porn and masturbate to it. Wait for your spouse to be out of the room. Or not. Fuck it.
 
• Visit a nude beach - Neither of you will ever want to have sex again.

• Do it yourself - While doing the laundry, suggest to your wife she sit her gelatinous ass on top of the washing machine during the rinse cycle and go to town. That way, she can have her daily orgasm and get your clothes clean at the same time.
 
• Take charge - If your spouse should try to have sex with you while you're doing something better, like watching television or the wall, tell her no. Be firm. Tell her to put her sweatpants on and go back to her room.
 
• Escape the everyday - Once or twice a month book a night at a hotel room and stay there by yourself.