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President Trump Kills Family, Burns White House, Pardons Self

President Trump had several members of his family and staff killed during a New Year's celebration today before setting the White House on fire and pardoning himself, authorities say.

Trump, whose behavior has grown increasingly erratic since his election loss to Joe Biden last month, reportedly ordered the poisoning of over 40 members of his inner-circle - including his wife Melania and his sons Donald Jr. and Eric – then the White House burned as he fled aboard Marine One.

"Witnesses testify that the President led a New Years toast with champagne we now know was laced with a nerve agent prior to instructing agents to burn the mansion," Washington DC Police spokesman Wesley Franzen described.

"The President then reportedly plundered several paintings from the residence on his way to his helicopter, from which he tweeted his own pardon," Franzen said.

The pardon, which read, simply: "I hereby pardon myself for all the stuff I just did", will likely now become the object of debate regarding a sitting president's ability to exonerate himself for such crimes as murder and arson – a fight which some Republicans have already taken up in Trump's favor.

"It is my belief that the President's bold and brave action to poison those people is a testament to his unparalleled leadership abilities, and it remains my honor to serve him," Missouri Senator Josh Hawley remarked this morning. "Thank God for President Trump."

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