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Santa Cancels Christmas Over COVID Fears

Santa Claus officially canceled Christmas this morning, citing COVID-19 concerns.

Confirming expectations that escalating global infection rates would deter him from making his usual holiday gift-giving rounds, St. Nick remarked via Twitter that his decision was not difficult.

"It's a common phrase, 'out of an over-abundance of caution, blah, blah, blah, that such-and-such has been canceled due to COVID', but there was no over-abundance about this," Santa posted. "If you people think I'm sliding down a billion chimneys in the middle of a raging pandemic, you're all f****** crazy."

Noting Mrs. Claus' COPD and his own underlying health conditions, Santa indicated that he would be quarantining at the North Pole this year along with his wife and brother-in-law Clarence.

"Just going to stay home and keep safe. Probably do some more puzzles and eat way too much peppermint bark," he said during an afternoon Zoom call. "Maybe re-watch 'The Gilmore Girls'."

Asked what he planned to do with all the presents his elves had made prior to his decision to cancel, Santa shrugged.

"Haul them off to the landfill, I guess," he said. "Or maybe give them all to the kids in Singapore and New Zealand. They're the only ones on my 'Nice' list this year."

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