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Study: Violence 99% Effective Against Childhood Sass-Mouth
Researchers have found that violence is up to 99% effective at preventing childhood sass-mouth if applied correctly, according to a report published in this month's Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology.
"Our data shows that a good whack upside the head is a highly effective remedy for a child exhibiting the symptoms of sass-mouth," remarked Dr. Timmy Von Hoffe, the Principal Investigator of the study, "Our findings also demonstrate that a karate chop to the neck, a knee to the groin, or twisting the subject's arm up behind their back are equally as reliable methods for getting them to cut the crap."
Although Von Hoff's conclusions contradict most modern paradigms of clinical sass-mouth research, they have found a receptive audience with parents of children suffering from the syndrome.
Commented the father of an afflicted child: "My kid's had a real mouth on him ever since he hit 13. We tried all the pills, but they make him so groggy he can't do his chores or even get up to fetch me a beer. And reasoning with him doesn't work. His mother tried that, and he told her to go fuck herself."
Furthermore, noted Child Psychologist Oliver Moody of the Oppenheimer Institute says the study's findings support a position he has held for years.
"A prevailing lack of maturity among adults has cultivated an aversion to violence in dealing with the negative behaviors of their children - fostering such misconceptions that children possess normal human intelligence. Such misconceptions are highly pernicious as they promote a cycle of coddling, useless timeouts, wasted breath, aggravation and stress."
Continued Moody: "Violence is the answer. We know this instinctively whenever our children throw a temper tantrum, and yet we repress our impulse to strangle them. Why? Aeons of deep evolutionary understanding cannot be ignored - sometimes these kids just need a good smack in the mouth."
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