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Study: Violence 99% Effective Against Childhood Sass-Mouth
Researchers have found that violence is up to 99% effective at preventing childhood sass-mouth if applied correctly, according to a report published in this month's Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology.
"Our data shows that a good whack upside the head is a highly effective remedy for a child exhibiting the symptoms of sass-mouth," remarked Dr. Timmy Von Hoffe, the Principal Investigator of the study. "Our findings also demonstrate that a nice Indian burn, a slap across the cookie hole or a good old fashioned knuckle sandwich are equally as reliable methods for getting them to cut the crap."
Although Von Hoff's conclusions contradict most modern paradigms of clinical sass-mouth research, they have found a receptive audience with parents of children suffering from the syndrome.
"My kid's had a real mouth on him ever since he hit 9, and nothing but violence helps," commented the father of one afflicted child. "Pills make him too groggy to do his chores and he's too dumb to be reasoned with. His mother tried that, and he told her to go fuck herself. The little bastard."
Noted Child Psychologist Oliver Moody of the Oppenheimer Institute says the study's findings support a position he has held for years.
"Children crave violence, and our instinct tells us to give it to them. This is evident whenever they throw a temper tantrum, and yet we repress our impulse to strangle them," Moody remarked. "Besides, a parent works hard to provide for his child. Is it too much to expect that they have a nice, home cooked meal waiting for us to come home to without a bunch of lip?"
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