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Infiltrating an Anti-War Group
Welcome ninjas! Before commencing our lesson for today, I’d like to congratulate the Ohio ninjas for securing yet another four glorious years in office for our Chimp Master. He may not be the sharpest katana in the shed, but behind that baboon smile is the soul of a black widow - ready to devour her mate in the name of securing complete power.
Now let us commence our lesson of the day, infiltrating an anti-war group.
Lesson #1 Know Your Enemy
Attention! Who are these people driving hybrid cars, eating salad and going out of their way to use public waste receptacles? Why you bumbling fool, that is your enemy! Your autonomous nervous systems must be ingrained with this awareness such that whenever you see someone recycling, riding a bicycle or declining the use of a plastic bag at a store by opting to carry their newly bought banana in their own hand, you recognize them immediately as the anti-war, bleeding heart sissies they are and mark them for eradication!
Lesson #2 Become Your Enemy
Apartheid, monopoly, oppression, amendments – yes, I know my little squirrel brains, these words are foreign to you and rightly so. Your ignorance is testimony to the purity of your ninja conscious, but like the freedoms you sacrificed this past November you must sacrifice your pristinely empty craniums and fill them with the following knowledge as it is crucial to your successful infiltration of the dark inner circles of any anti-war group:
Once you have mastered the “lingo” by learning such words and phrases as “thinly veiled premeditated campaign of imperialistic aggression” and “egregious offense to all humanity, not to mention the integrity of our nation’s intelligence system” and have gained the enemy’s confidence you will be asked to attend a meeting and to bring a “snack”. What shall you bring I ask? Beef Jerky?! You imbecile! Before you open the package they will identify who you are, divine your ulterior motives and kindly ask you to leave. No, as a GOP ninja you should know by now that the squeamish, weasely anti-war activist can’t resist rice cakes and humus.
Lesson #3 Attack Your Enemy
Your weeks of abstaining from evangelical TV programs, sports and the soothing words of Master Limbaugh have finally paid off. In preparation for a war-hating parade you have likely endured assisting your enemies in their construction of life-size papier-maché likenesses of the Chimp Master and the Dragon Lady Condoleeza Rice, but alas, the hour of truth has arrived. The day before the war-hate parade, call the local police station and notify them of the insidious effigies, mentioning that you heard one contained a bomb. Then once you have delivered your message, run for cover like the mighty chicken.
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