(Un)Handy Baby Shower Tips

Ever the slaves to their innate biological impulses, people continue to pump out babies like they're going out of style. Therefore, a high probability exists that someday soon you will be compelled against your will to attend or organize a baby shower for one of your more mindless pod friends. Some tips for the occasion:

• The goal of a baby shower is for the mother to feel the support of her closest friends and family, so be sure to refrain from asking the mom-to-be where she gets off adding another mouth to feed to a dying planet already teeming with like, 20 billion doomed souls.

• A well organized shower will account for every contingency. For example, in the event the honoree experiences a miscarriage during the party, a good host should be prepared to present a pre-made alternate cake that reads "Better Luck Next Time".

• For single moms-to-be, try playing the fun baby shower game "Where's Daddy?". Participants pick slips of paper containing names of states (or countries) from a hat, and if the deadbeat is ever tracked down, the owner of the name of the correct location wins a prize.

• Another fun baby shower pastime is the "Don't Say Baby" game - the object of which is for guests to try to avoid saying the 'b' word. For parties attended by people who've already had kids, the derivation "Don't Say Mewling, Slobbering Shit Machines" may be substituted.

• Avoid inviting barren women to your baby shower. Their bitter tears are real party killers.

• If your "mom-to-be"'s gift registry is dominated by items such as perfume, jewelry and cell phone accessories, she was likely never pregnant or has since miscarried and is trying to scam you. Do not fall for this common con.

• When organizing your party, consider a theme that will reflect the world the mother-to-be's baby will be born into – like one without food or potable water held outdoors on the hottest day of the year.

• Call mom to make sure she feels "great" an hour before the event. If she doesn't, feel free to reschedule the event to another day since being knocked up makes this lady the center of the universe whose vacillating state of mind must be catered to above the convenience and concerns of everybody else on the planet.

• Arrange for a designated driver to convey the guest of honor to and from the shower so she'll be free to drink as much as she likes on her special day.

• During the gift opening portion of the party, be sure to ask when people who aren't contributing to the overpopulation of the planet get their presents. We'd really like to know.