Ask
a Clinically Depressed Landscape Expert -
With: Bill Landis - Bill
Landis is a clinically depressed certified landscape technician uneager to field
questions regarding all your outdoor projects. Dear
Bill, I was planning on trying my hand at building a porch in the backyard of
my new home and have a couple of questions. First, is it necessary to leave gaps
between the boards for drainage if I'm using high pressure treated pine lumber,
and if so, how wide should they be? Second... (More)
Playtex
Introduces 'Revolutionary' New Tampon -
Feminine care product manufacturer Playtex
unveiled a 'truly revolutionary' brand of tampon yesterday with the introduction
of the Playtex Omega. According to the Omega’s documentation, the new menstrual
plug’s radically innovative, super absorbent blend of synthetic, hypoallergenic
cellulose based lyocell and rayon fibers will liberate the pre-menopause woman
of the 21st century from the oppression of having to replace her tampon several
times a day during her period without risking the development of toxic shock syndrome,
a potentially... (More)
Abstinence
in the 21st Century: Let’s Cross Our Legs Around the World!By: Laura Bush - Hello again everyone! As you could probably tell from the title of this article, I’d like to switch gears from the usual domestic theme of this column to discuss with all the young women of the world out there the single most important issue they’ll face in their entire lives: abstaining from sex until marriage. Ladies, and especially those of you from outside America where there aren’t churches... (More)
Conducting
Yourself around Your New Not-So-Legal Mexican Maid - By:
Laura Bush - Hello
again. Today I’d like to talk to you all about an issue that’s become increasingly
poignant since my husband has generously decided to extend access to the liberty,
freedom and prosperity of this great country to millions of not-so-legal Mexicans
who are willing to come here to perform the essential duties of jobs that none
of our more affluent citizens desire to...(More)
How
to Knit a Cute Hat for Your Un-aborted Fetus - By:
Laura Bush - Hello there, and congratulations
on being a mom in waiting! As a mother of two, I know that there’s nothing
more rewarding and magical than helping to re-populate the world by not flouting
God’s will by getting an abortion. I applaud your ability to recognize that
your eternal salvation is worth more than taking the easy way out...(More)
Making
A Floral Arrangement For Your Non-Citizen Son Killed In Iraq - By:
Laura Bush - Hola
amigos! Tango bueno? No? Feeling a little down about your non-citizen son being
killed in Iraq? Well, that’s understandable. After all, just because you’re not
citizens of our country doesn’t mean you’re not human, right? Of course not! Seriously
though... (More)Cooking
With John Ashcroft - Hello
once again, and an obligatory welcome to another installment of Cooking with John
Ashcroft, with myself, John Ashcroft. Did I tell you to pick anything up? Put
that down! In this installment, I will instruct you on how to make turkey burgers;
which are much easier on the pancreas than traditional cock meat... (More)