Nation’s Real Estate Agencies Resorting to Bloody Gangland Tactics
As the real estate market continues to stagnate, rising tensions
between competing agencies struggling to remain solvent are culminating in bloody gang-style territory feuds.
According to a report recently issued by the FBI, fifty-seven real estate agents have been killed and dozens more wounded over the last twelve months - up from just one murder over the previous ten years - in what officials are now calling all out war for control of housing markets all over the country.
In Mission Viejo, California, the usual tranquility of an average suburban day in this upscale Orange County suburb is now frequently shattered by the bark of gunfire being exchanged by members of rival agencies - altercations that often leave the streets and sidewalks stained with the blood of its bullet-riddled, blazer adorned casualties.
"It's madness, and its only driving our property values down further," complained one resident who wished to remain anonymous, "What kind of impression do you think a potential buyer takes from watching their agent get beaten to death with her own lawn sign?"
Unfortunately, authorities predict that hostilities are only likely to escalate after Remax Vice President of marketing Brandon Morgan was discovered Saturday drowned in a water hazard at a golf course in Westchester County, his feet encased in concrete, after receiving a note reading, "Brandon Morgan sleeps with the fishes". "The pre-existing surplus of real estate agents in this country combined with shrinking commissions and the very real probability of the inception of a vicious cycle of retaliatory attacks could create a perfect storm of real estate gang related violence in the coming months, if not years," remarked FBI spokesman Carmen Tevez. Meanwhile, Westside Realtors goon Chad Guthrie hinted at the depth of the rancor between the rival agencies after his recent conviction for the execution style murder of a competing Rolling Century 21 agent in Pembroke Pines, Florida this week. "Yeah, I popped that clown. Pop, pop. And I'll waste any more of them bitches I see in the joint, cuz I'm down for life. Westsiiiide Realtors, beeatch!"