Home World National Opinion Local Entertainment Home And Garden Advice Farts And Giggles  

                Links Advertise Contact

John McCain Announces Cabinet Appointments

Consistent with his reputation as a maverick, Republican presidential nominee John McCain diverged from tradition by announcing the members of his prospective cabinet should he be elected in November. Some of the more notable selections:

Secretary of State: A Human Ovary - Though the ovary's origen and background remain undefined, scientific analysis indicates it came from a woman approximately 35 years of age, giving it more than 20 years experience producing human eggs capable of being fertilized into beautiful, cuddly babies.


Secretary of Labor: Margaret Odden - A librarian and midwife from Roxville, Virginia, Odden estimates she has delivered more than 500 babies and removed at least 3,000 indecent books from her town library, including "Demons" by Fyodr Dostoevsky, "Hard Times" by Charles Dickens, and everything written by Honore de Balzac during the course of her career. Renowned for her uncanny ability to recognize smut when she sees it, Odden led a successful campaign to change the name of her hometown from Coxville in 1996 and is reportedly capable of channeling the thoughts of fetuses as young as six weeks old.

Secretary of the Treasury: Anjelica Brown - A little African American person, Brown has successfully completed her own 1040 federal tax return form while maintaining a meticulously balanced checkbook since being audited by the Internal Revenue Service in 2002. Undaunted by her diminutive 3'9" stature, Brown recently finished her third consecutive six month term as a janitorial engineer at a Wells Fargo Bank branch office in Albuquerque, New Mexico through the Manpower Temporary Staff Solutions Company.

Secretary of Education: Toby Baskin - A graduate of the Proctor School for Special Needs Children in St. Petersburg, Florida, Baskin enjoys using a homemade catapult to launch small animals into a ravine behind his house.


Secretary of Defense: Randy Savage - A former professional wrestler, Savage, better known to many by his ring name Randy "Macho Man" Savage, reigned as World Championship Wrestling's heavyweight champion four times, and as the World Wrestling Federation's heavyweight titleholder twice. The owner of a deep, husky voice known to instill fear in those unfortunate enough to become his enemy, the prospective appointment of the winner of the WCW's World War 3 Battle Royal in 1995 should come as bad news to the world's terrorist community.

Secretary of Agriculture: Charles "Sir Valiant" Bergen - Bergen is an Alabama native with an undiagnosed mental condition that likely makes him supremely qualified to manage the federal department charged with developing and executing national policy over farming, agriculture and food. A card carrying Baptist, Bergen was once chided for putting peas, carrots and beans into socially inappropriate orifices at the dinner table, but with the help of a cotillion course and years of aversion therapy, he has since refined his public etiquette competencies while taking it upon himself to learn more about the bountiful crops that keep our nation running. Additionally, Bergen has coined nicknames for almost every vegetable and fruit cultivated in the United States, is capable of communicating telepathically with lettuce and cows, and can reproduce their "Godgiven voices" on command.

Secretary of Transportation: Horatio Suarez - Despite being legally blind, Suarez hasn't let his handicap keep him from competently navigating the Atlanta Metropolitan Transit System to his job as a security guard at the Truman H. Vanzetti Aeronautical Museum and Country Buffet on a daily basis since 1984. Suarez's inspiring perseverence and hands-on experience with a variety of means of transportation buttresses his resume.

Secretary of Commerce: Frukwon Francis - is an up-and-coming import-exporter, known to many of his affectionate neighbors as "Killa Kwon". He is an open-minded entrepreneur whose fast-paced mindset fits seamlessly into a world of betrayal, doublecrossing and shifting fortunes. He loves capitalism, his put bull Rog, and a pump action shotgun he keeps in his Lexus. He is reportedly "all about the dough" and extremely excited over the prospect of helping "(African Americans)" prosper under the new administration.

Attorney General - Susan Steadman: Steadman has worked as an actual attorney in Greenwater, Missouri for six whole years after passing the state bar exam all by herself. Her appoinment would make her the first female Attorney General of the United States*.


*Pending the autopsy of Janet Reno upon her death

Read More

    Hundreds Flock to View Image of Jesus in Vomit Puddle

    11 Year-Old Scientist Discovers Masturbation

    What Can I Say to Put You in this Coffin Today? By: An Empty Shell with a Marketing Degree

    Fed Spokesman Reports Economy Going All to Shit