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Where's Our Big Fat Faith Based Charity Check, You Nazi Swine?
Dear George W. Bush,
In regard to the grant proposal I recently submitted to the Department of Health and Human Services for the remuneration of prospective faith based charity work to be performed by the religious organization I represent - The American Church of Hunter S. Thompsonism - what the fuck happened, and where's our money?
Lest you think our church is not a legitimate religious institution committed to alleviating the suffering of our share of illiterate savages, drug crazed profligates, gasoline swilling degenerates and the like your administration is in large part responsible for creating, allow me to disabuse you. The derelicts and junkies we take in will be well accomodated at our fortified compound in Aspen, Colorado. As well as providing food and shelter, members of our parish will help transition these poor beasts from the insidious, brain addling narcotics your CIA has been shoving down their throats for years to non-addictive, mind enhancing psychoactive compounds such as lysergic acid diethylamide, psilocybin, and peyote.
In addition, as I have already mentioned in the referenced proposal, we here at UCHT are deeply dedicated to promoting literacy. Any of our new charges who cannot read will be taught, and once able, will be encouraged to read the entire Hunter Thompson anthology - everything from "The Rum Diary" and "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" to "The Mutineer", and even "Prince Jellyfish". They will then be helped to gain an appreciation for the art of gonzo journalism, which our messiah invented and sharpened to a razor's edge before he died - not for our sins or anything hopelessly trite as that, but because he felt like it.
Furthermore, every misfit and castaway we take in will be granted access to firearms and explosives they can use at their leisure to shoot things and blow stuff up, a point a bloodthirsty, war mongering pig fucker like you should be able to appreciate.
In conclusion, although I am not so naive as to be unaware that the true objective of your faith based charity agenda is to use American tax payer dollars to enrich the Christian Church, I urge you to recognize that our institution is not only worthy, but morally superior to their's in many ways. For instance, none of our mentally vulnerable parishioners will be coerced or otherwise prodded against their will to engage in sex acts with the libidinous, ecstasy-crazed ape we keep chained in the basement. Much unlike what goes on in the back rooms of many Christian churches, where the sick pedophiles that make up a heavy fraction of their clergy treat unsuspecting children like cheap Sri Lankan hookers, such indulgences will be strictly voluntary, and for adults only.
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