Federal Government to Bail Out Pittsburgh Steelers
Calling the Steeler Nation "too big to fail", the government has announced a planned federal bailout of the woeful Pittsburgh Steelers.
Citing the catastrophic impact their 5-game losing streak has had on the team's ability to qualify for this year's NFL playoffs, the Obama administration says it will adjust the reigning Super Bowl champs' 6-7 win-loss record to 9-4 by converting losses suffered at the hands of the lowly Kansas City Chiefs, Oakland Raiders and Cleveland Browns to narrow victories.
"Whether it's a common affinity for the team's popular old-time uniforms, moribund Midwestern cities, or the way tufts of Ben Roethlisberger's blond hair curl from the bottom of his helmet, more Americans count themselves as Steeler fans than almost all other NFL teams combined. This fact cannot be emphasized enough," argued Secretary of Commerce Gary Locke.
A glance at NFL.com reveals that the league has already recorded the changes – by exchanging the Steelers score with that of their opponents higher point tally for each respective game.
"The Raiders, Chiefs and Browns were either extremely lucky or got away with unnoted illegal play to gain wins in those games, and would be well advised to be satisfied with the advantage their slightly worse records will have on their draft positions in the spring," argued NFL spokesman David Janko, "For shame though, really. For shame."
The announcement of the government bailout was felt immediately on Ebay and other online markets where Steelers merchandise and tickets are sold, as free-falling prices on uniforms, terrible towels and tickets to the team's remaining three regular season games were stabilized by the news, preventing the possibility of Dolphin fans not being overrun by thousands of members of the Steeler bandwagon at Land Shark Stadium on January 3rd.
"Steelers are back! WOOHOO!" shouted a man who has never been to Pittsburgh, let alone set foot in the entire state of Pennsylvania.
Despite harshly chastising the team over its responsibility for its dismal failures over the past several weeks, especially its commitment to fundamental aspects of the game such as blocking somebody, anybody rushing their quarterbacks, Locke asserts it was ultimately in the nation's best interests to bail the Steelers out.
"Like they did with the 49ers in the 90s, more and more Americans have pinned their football fandom to the Steelers because they're supposed to be a safe bet. They assume they'll at least make the playoffs, giving them something to be happy about, something to cheer for. Is it their fault that a team so seemingly invincible 10 months ago could turn so feckless and horrible in such a short time? I implore my fellow Americans to understand why it is more important for this type of fan not to be sad," said Locke.
Locke added that if the Steelers are unable to win even a single game of their last three, they will be deemed the winner of their September 20th loss to the Chicago Bears in order to hand them the minimum number of victories needed to qualify for an AFC playoff birth.